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Desire to connection. understanding sexual health in modern relationships

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Desire to connection. understanding sexual health in modern relationships

A conversation about intimacy, belonging and relationships with Dr Yasuni Manikkage

In an age where relationships are shaped as much by emotional awareness as by digital connection, conversations about sexual health are finally stepping out of the shadows.

As Dr. Yasuni Manikkage explains, sexual health is not just a medical issue but a lived experience woven through communication, consent, mental wellbeing and self-respect. Many couples share a home, a bed, even children, yet still feel like “Roommates with responsibilities” rather than lovers, which often signal a lack of emotional safety rather than a lack of physical contact. When desire shifts, they may panic, blame themselves or fear the relationship is dying, instead of recognising that changes in desire are common, understandable, and often transformable with knowledge, honest dialogue, and small daily acts of connection.

Q: Why did you decide to talk about sexual desire and connection now?

A: Because so many couples quietly suffer here. They love each other, share a home, raise children, but feel like “roommates with responsibilities” rather than lovers. They rarely talk about sex openly, so when desire changes, they panic, blame themselves, or assume the relationship is dying. I want people to know shifts in desire are common, understandable, and often treatable with knowledge, communication, and small daily changes.

Q: You say there is an “education gap” in sexual health. What do you mean by that?

A: Most women have never been properly taught about their own sexual anatomy, especially where and how they feel pleasure. Many men, on the other hand, have been left to “figure it out” from pornography, jokes, and guesswork. That’s a terrible training manual for real bodies and real emotions. This gap affects how easily women reach orgasm, how safe they feel in bed, and how satisfied both partners feel in the relationship.

Q: We hear about the “orgasm gap.” Is it really not biological?

A: There are biological factors, yes, but the main gap we see between men’s and women’s orgasm rates in heterosexual relationships comes from communication, knowledge, and what I call “pleasure equity.” In many bedrooms, the script is focused on penetration, speed, and the man’s climax. Women’s pleasure is often treated as optional or “extra.” When couples learn anatomy, slow down, focus on both bodies, and talk about what feels good, that gap narrows dramatically.

Q: Most people think desire should be spontaneous. Is that a myth?

A: It’s one of the biggest myths. Movies show desire as a spark that appears out of nowhere: one glance across the room and suddenly you’re tearing each other’s clothes off. That kind of spontaneous desire does happen, especially early in a relationship. But for many people, especially women, desire is often “responsive”. That means they start feeling desire after some warmth, touch, emotional closeness, or stimulation, not before.

So, if you’re waiting to “feel like it” before you touch or connect, you may wait a very long time. For many, desire comes “after” they start, not before.

Q: How would you scientifically describe sexual desire?

A: Desire is not just a physical urge. It’s a blend of attraction to your partner’s body and personality, emotional connection and feeling cared for, a sense of self-expansion or growth, learning, feeling alive with them, trust and safety, both emotionally and physically. It’s contextual: it changes with stress, health, life stages, and relationship quality. It’s relational: it lives between two nervous systems, not just in one body. And for many, it’s responsive: you get in the mood “after” a hug, a joke, a shower together, not randomly at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday.

Q: You mentioned an “updated sexual response cycle.” What does that look like in real life?

A: Older models suggested a straight line: desire, arousal, orgasm and resolution. That’s tidy, but human beings are messy and complex. Modern understanding is more like a circle or loop. You can enter the cycle at different points: maybe you start with touch, or a feeling of closeness, or even just a decision to connect. Desire doesn’t always come first; sometimes it shows up halfway through.

For example, you may feel tired and not “in the mood,” but you agree to cuddle and share some gentle touch. As you relax and feel appreciated, arousal builds, and then desire appears. That’s normal, not fake.

Q: Are there real gender differences in how desire works?

A: There are common patterns, though individuals vary a lot. Many women tend to enter through emotional intimacy: feeling heard, understood, and safe. Physical touch then wakes up arousal, and desire follows.

Many men more often start with physical attraction or arousal. They may feel desire quickly in response to visual or physical cues, and emotional intimacy can deepen later.

Both patterns are healthy and normal. The problem starts when each partner assumes the other should work exactly like them, and if they don’t, they must be “cold” “needy” or “broken.” Understanding these differences turns conflict into curiosity.

Q: How does desire change as a relationship ages?

A: Think of three broad stages.

stage 1 – Early Attraction (0-6 months): High novelty, strong chemistry, lots of dopamine. You’re discovering each other; desire often feels effortless. stage 2 – Deepening Intimacy (6 months-2 years): You know each other better. The high settles. Desire becomes more linked to emotional closeness. Frequency may drop, and that is “normal”.

stage 3 – Maintenance and Maturity (2-10+ years): Life arrives -work, kids, money, health. Desire usually doesn’t feel automatic. It needs conscious attention, novelty, and emotional safety.

A common mistake is comparing stage 3 desire to Stage 1 and assuming, “we’ve failed.” Actually, you’ve just moved into a different phase that requires new skills.

Q: What are some main things that influence desire?

A:We can think in three layers.

Biological: hormones (testosterone, estrogen), brain chemicals (dopamine, serotonin), medical conditions like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, chronic pain, sleep problems, menopause, and genital issues such as vaginal dryness or pelvic floor pain.

Psychological: negative early sexual experiences, trauma or abuse, body image concerns, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and certain mental health conditions.

Relational and social: how safe and respected you feel, attachment style, quality of communication, power imbalances, work and financial stress, caregiving burdens, privacy, and cultural messages that centre on penetration over pleasure. Desire is never “just in your head” or “just in your hormones” – it’s all three interacting.

Q: What tends to kill desire in long-term relationships?

A: Several patterns show up again and again:

Resentment and unresolved conflict – small hurts that never get repaired.

Lack of emotional safety – fear of being judged, rejected, or punished for being vulnerable.

Poor communication – avoiding difficult topics, sarcasm instead of honesty.

Body image shame – feeling unattractive, “too old,” “too fat,” or “not enough.”

Power imbalance -one partner controlling decisions, money, or sex.

Sexual guilt or religious shame messages that sex is dirty, selfish, or only for reproduction.

Stress, burnout, depression -when your nervous system is in survival mode, it doesn’t prioritise pleasure.

You can’t expect desire to flourish in an environment that feels unsafe, unfair, or constantly tense.

Q: And what actually builds desire?

A: Desire thrives in a combination of safety and aliveness.

Emotional intimacy: feeling seen, heard, and valued.

Nervous system calm: your body is relaxed enough to feel pleasure, not just guard against danger.

Open communication: you can talk about wants, limits, and fantasies without mocking or shutting each other down.

Continued growth: doing new things together, seeing new sides of each other, evolving as a team.

I often say: stagnation is desire’s enemy; growth is its ally. Even small adventures -trying a new cafe, dancing in the living room, travelling a different route-can reawaken curiosity.

Q: Can you give couples a simple framework to reconnect?

A: Yes, I often share a six-step framework that’s practical and gentle.

1. Check in: Ask, “How connected do we feel lately?” Not just “How often are we having sex?”

2. Non-sexual touch: Hugs, stroking hair, holding hands – without expecting sex at the end.

3. Novelty: Try something new together: a class, a walk in a different place, a game, a shared hobby.

4. Appreciation: Tell your partner what you notice and value about them, including non-sexual qualities.

5. vulnerability: Share one fear, one hope, or one truth you usually hide.

6. Initiation: Don’t wait for desire to fall from the sky. Gently invite connection; sometimes the mood follows the movement.

You don’t need to do all of this perfectly. Even one or two steps, done consistently, can shift the energy between you.

Q: How can someone tell if their desire problem needs more attention or professional help?

A: some warning signs include:

You feel emotionally distant, even though you still love each other.

Desire has dropped sharply and is tied to stress, shame, or unspoken conflict.

You feel unable to talk about sex without fighting or shutting down.

sex is used to avoid real intimacy, or to keep the peace, rather than to connect.

You feel afraid or ashamed to say what you truly want-or what you don’t want. In these situations, talking to a doctor, a sexual medicine specialist, or a therapist can be very helpful. You are not “broken” for needing support.

Q: Many couples say, “We love each other but there’s no spark.” What do you tell them?

A: I often say, “Let’s first normalise where you are.” If you’ve been together for years, maybe raising children and navigating financial pressures, it’s normal that your desire doesn’t look like the early days. That doesn’t mean your relationship is dying.

usually, you’re in the maintenance phase. Desire is quieter but can be reawakened with intentional effort: scheduling time for each other, bringing in novelty, and rebuilding emotional safety. It’s less about chasing fireworks and more about tending a fire so it doesn’t go out.

Q: what about couples with mismatched desires – one wants sex often, the other rarely?

A: This is extremely common. The mistake is to frame it as “the pursuer is demanding” and “the less-desiring partner is rejecting.” underneath, there are often two different nervous systems trying to feel safe.

one partner might use physical closeness to feel secure and loved. The other might need emotional safety first before their body can relax into physical intimacy. When couples understand this, they stop seeing each other as enemies and start cooperating: “How can we meet ‘both’ our needs, instead of arguing about who is right?”

Q: Many people, especially women, say sex feels like an obligation. What does that signal to you as a doctor?

A: It’s a red flag – not that the person is broken, but that something important is missing. sex should be about connection, pleasure, and mutual choice. when it becomes a duty, I look for:

Emotional disconnection or resentment.

Fear of conflict or abandonment if they say no.

Lack of felt safety or freedom to express preferences.

The solution is not to “force yourself more.” It is to rebuild emotional safety, renegotiate consent and expectations, and often to have very honest conversations about what feels missing or painful.

Q: If you could leave couples with a few key messages about desire and connection, what would they be?

A: I’d highlight four truths:

Desire and emotional intimacy are deeply connected. When you feel safe, loved, and seen, desire has space to grow.

Desire changes across life and relationship stages. That’s normal, not evidence of failure.

Safety is the foundation. without trust and a calm nervous system, no technique or position will fix desire.

You have agency. Through communication, intentional connection, and sometimes professional help, it is possible to revive and reshape your sexual relationship. If you are reading this and thinking, “This sounds like us,” my invitation is simple: start with one honest conversation. Ask your partner, “Where do you naturally enter the cycle -through emotions, touch, or arousal? What helps you feel desire? What do you need from me to feel safe and wanted?”

Those questions, asked with kindness and curiosity, can quietly change the entire trajectory of a relationship.



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Sri Lanka eyes conservation-led tourism boost as Gehan urges integrated approach

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View of Trincomalee from Fort Frederick

Sri Lanka could unlock a powerful new economic pathway by integrating biodiversity, archaeology and cultural heritage into a single conservation-driven tourism model, according to author, banker and naturalist Gehan de Silva Wijeyeratne.

Speaking to The Island, de Silva Wijeyeratne said the country possesses a rare convergence of natural and historical assets that, if strategically presented, could reposition Sri Lanka as a leading global destination for nature and heritage tourism.

“At the moment, these elements exist, but they are not fully connected,” he said. “What Sri Lanka has is extraordinary—a complete story of life, from ancient history to modern biodiversity. The opportunity is to bring that together in a way that creates value.”

His remarks come at a time when policymakers are seeking sustainable avenues to revive the economy, with tourism identified as a key growth sector. De Silva Wijeyeratne is currently researching his next book, ‘Enchanting Sri Lanka’ to be published by John Beaufoy Publishing in the UK.

Koneswaram Temple Trincomalee

He said his recent field visit reinforced the untapped potential of integrated landscapes—particularly in the eastern region around Trincomalee.

He spent four days in Trincomalee with Hiran and Hashan Coory, two members of the senior leadership in Jetwing Hotels. Commenting on the visit, he said “Within a short distance, you have forests, marine ecosystems, archaeological sites and protected areas. This is not about isolated attractions—it’s about creating a connected experience that can compete globally.”

He noted that such an approach could continue to transform Sri Lanka’s tourism model beyond traditional beach-centric travel. “You can offer visitors wildlife, marine biodiversity and ancient history in a single journey,” he said. “That’s a very powerful proposition.”

Speaking more on Trincomalee’s potential, he said the combination of ancient history, the more recent colonial history and buildings, the beautiful beaches and coves, the snorkelling and marine mammal watching combined with the potential to create a huge national park that will have large mammals on the doorstep of the city means Trincomalee can become the city with the greatest tourism potential of any city in Sri Lanka.

Maritime and Naval History Museum Trincomalee

“A vast national park on the scale of better-known parks such as Wilpattu and Yala can be created by connecting the forest reserves which stretch from Kantalai and through to the Naval Headworks Sanctuary, almost to the borders of the Trincomalee town” he says. “A new national park could be constructed with a network of safari roads and water holes and grass plains to increase the prey density for iconic mammals like the leopard. Trincomalee can then become a top land safari destination with an entrance gate to a national park just 15 minutes drive from the town. No other city will be able to rival it for land safaris, marine safaris, ancient and colonial history, staggering views and beaches and the heady mix of various ethnic groups with their religious beliefs, cuisine and arts. Trincomalee could overshadow every other city in Sri Lanka for tourism if developed properly”.

Velgam Vehera

De Silva Wijeyeratne emphasised that conservation must be positioned not as a constraint, but as an economic enabler. “If you encourage and enable responsible visitation, it brings revenues to these areas,” he said. “That supports conservation and also creates livelihoods for local communities.”

However, he cautioned that development must be carefully managed to avoid damaging sensitive ecosystems. “You need development that is sensitive to these landscapes and the proper infrastructure to manage visitation,” he said. “The value lies in preserving what is already there.”

In addition to tourism, de Silva Wijeyeratne highlighted the need to strengthen Sri Lanka’s conservation capacity through international collaboration. He has proposed the introduction of a special visa to attract experienced global conservationists willing to work on a voluntary basis.

He referenced his article ‘A visa for bringing in expertise and expanding tourism’ which was published in The Island on Friday, 23 May, 2025, and is available online. In this he proposes a special visa to address four strands – volunteering, internships, academic exchange and short term study. The idea is that the visa should be as easy as to obtain an online tourist visa, but the visitor can now apply for a longer term visa for a declared purpose, such as volunteering.

Gehan de Silva Wijeyeratne

He was careful to emphasise that the proposed visa is not for paid work and does not give the visitor special rights, and any relevant permits and permission need be obtained by the local partner. “There are people with 30 or 40 years of experience in research and conservation who would gladly come to Sri Lanka and contribute” he said. “If we create a proper framework, they can work with local organisations, share knowledge and build expertise.” Such a system, he stressed, would not undermine local employment. “These are unpaid roles—they are not taking jobs away. Furthermore, they will help locals to upskill,” he said. “They are helping to strengthen the system.”

De Silva Wijeyeratne also underscored the importance of science communication in driving conservation outcomes. Drawing from his recent lecture to the Wildlife and Nature Protection Society, he said public understanding of biodiversity remains limited, particularly when it comes to foundational elements, such as plant life. “In my recent lecture I started with plants because they are often overlooked,” he said. “In Sri Lanka we have the descendants of ancient plant groups, like lycophytes and bryophytes, as well as an abundance of the relatively more modern flowering plants (or angiosperms). They all form the basis of all ecosystems.” Sri Lankan researchers would benefit from international collaborations to describe and study the ecology of species found in Sri Lanka. As an example of the gaps in our knowledge, he pointed that it is hard to find online even a species inventory of Sri Lankan species of Lycophytes.

He further highlighted the interconnected nature of life, pointing to the role of microscopic organisms. “Every cell in our body contains mitochondria, and that DNA originated from bacteria,” he said. “So we are, in a sense, composite organisms built on ancient biological relationships. “This perspective, he said, is critical to fostering a deeper appreciation of biodiversity and the need for its conservation. “If people understand how interconnected life is, they begin to value it differently,” he said.

De Silva Wijeyeratne’s ongoing research for ‘Enchanting Sri Lanka,’ to be published by John Beaufoy Publishing, also touches on Sri Lanka’s layered history, including its colonial past. During his recent visit to Trincomalee, he visited the grave of Rear Admiral Charles Austen, the brother of renowned novelist Jane Austen. “I read in the Bradt Guide to Sri Lanka that her brother was buried in the Esplanade Cemetery. There was an article online by Nishan Fernando in the Sunday Times where he describes how, in 1984, he and his father, Admiral Clancy Fernando, located the grave. Fernando wrote of the burial ground on the Esplanade in the middle of Trincomalee town, opposite the beautiful horseshoe shaped Dutch Bay.”

After a false start at another cemetery, using Google maps, de Silva Wijeyeratne with others, including Hiran and Hashan Cooray, some of the senior team from Jetwing Hotels, visited St. Stephan Cemetery which is around 400 meters from the Maritime and Naval History Museum. ‘We found the grave as described in the Sunday Times article by Nishan Fernando. But talking to various hoteliers and people in tourism in Trincomalee, we were struck by how many people were unaware of its existence. Hopefully, knowing that the grave of Rear Admiral Charles Austen, brother of Jane Austen, is roughly in the middle of St. Stephan Cemetery, in Trincomalee, will help others, with an interest in Jane Austen, to locate it.”

During his time in Trincomalee, with the Jetwing Hotels team, de Silva Wijeyeratne also visited Mederigiriya, Seruwila and Velgam Vehera. They encountered elephants on their visits to Seruwila and Velgam Vehera. “That brief visit alone shows how rich and complex Sri Lanka’s story is,” he said. “It spans pre-colonial, colonial and post-colonial periods.” For de Silva Wijeyeratne, the challenge now lies in translating this richness into a coherent national narrative. “This country has everything—biodiversity, ancient civilisation, marine ecosystems, etc.,” he said. “Few places in the world can offer such an all-round package.”

He stressed that aligning conservation with tourism and knowledge-sharing could deliver long-term benefits. “It’s about connecting the dots,” he said. “If we do that successfully, Sri Lanka can position itself as a world-class destination, while protecting its natural and cultural heritage.” As the country looks to rebuild and diversify its economy, de Silva Wijeyeratne’s message is clear: Conservation, when strategically integrated, could become one of Sri Lanka’s strongest assets. (Pictures courtesy Gehan de Silva) Wijeyeratne

By Ifham Nizam

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Bringing the flavours and spirit of Jaffna to life

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Grace draped in tradition

Long before the first dish was placed at the Jaffna food festival at Cinnamon Bentota Beach, a dedicated team of staff and culinary staff journeyed to Jaffna.

In the North they stepped out of professional hotels and into homes, road side eateries and bustling local markets. They observed, listened and, most importantly, tasted. The experience was as much about unlearning as it was learning.

They spent time with local people, women who have perfected their craft over decades, fishermen who spoke of the day’s fresh catch, spice vendors who explained the subtle difference in dried chillies and roasted blends.

They saw the liberal use of black peppers, tamarind and the depth of roasted curry powders.

In the end, what the team brought back from the North was not just technique or taste, it was perspective. What stayed most was the spirit of Jaffna, its people resourceful grounded and deeply connected to roots.

And so when the festival came to life in Bentota, it was not just a recreation, it was a reflection. They realised the heart of Jaffna is not only in its flavours but in its people.

Cinnamon Bentota Beach — signature selection celebrated the rich heritage, vibrant culture, and authentic cuisine of Northern Sri Lanka with its signature “Jaffna Night” recently. The evening was a heartfelt journey into Jaffna’s traditions, inviting guests to experience the warmth, flavours, and stories of this remarkable region.

Guests were welcomed with the traditional greetings, followed by religious rituals that set the evening in a meaningful cultural context. The highlight was the launch of the “Jaffna Culinary Journey” video series, capturing the resort team’s immersive exploration of Jaffna’s culinary landscape and community life.

From preparing local delicacies alongside villagers, to stepping into traditional homes, participating in early morning poojas, and wandering bustling fish markets; vegetable markets, the team discovered that Jaffna’s cuisine is inseparable from its identity, history, and community spirit.

Cinnamon Bentota Beach — Signature Selection shared reflections on the journey, emphasising how meaningful experiences can preserve and honour cultural heritage. The evening culminated in the official launch of the Jaffna Food Festival at the resort – a continuation of the journey that brings authentic Jaffna flavours and stories directly to guests in Bentota.

“Jaffna Night” was more than a culinary celebration; it was a testament to connection, culture, and the shared joy of learning through food and tradition.

By Zanita Careem

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Sun Siyam Pasikudah paves the way in sustainability

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Upul - Group Sustainability Manager

Sun Siyam Pasikudah has added another milestone to its growing list of achievements by earning the prestigious Travel Gold Certification, a recognition that reflects the resort’s dedication to exceptional hospitality, high service standards and memorable guest experience. At this resort, sustainability isn’t just a concept it is a commitment. So driving eco conscious change, behind the scenes, is Chaminda Upul Kumara, shaping a hospitality experience where luxury meets responsibility .­

Q: Sun Siyam Pasikudah has earned Travelife Gold Certification, covering 147 criteria, from energy and water to wildlife and community welfare. What did that journey genuinely push the property and the wider group to do differently?

A: Earning Travelife Gold was never just about getting the certificate. Working through 147 criteria covering energy, water, waste, wildlife, and community welfare made us look hard at ourselves and ask whether we were truly doing enough in each of those areas.

What it really pushed us to do was move beyond compliance. We tightened our conservation practices, improved how we manage waste, and put more deliberate effort into biodiversity and community programmes. But perhaps the most meaningful shift was weaving sustainability into the guest experience itself, making it visible and accessible without ever compromising on comfort or quality.

At the group level, Pasikudah became a working model. The practices we refined here have since been adapted and adopted across our other properties, creating a culture where sustainability is not a side project managed by one department but something that shapes how every team member thinks and works. It reinforced what Sun Siyam Care stands for: that responsible hospitality is not a goal we work towards. It is simply who we are.

Q: Most of the Sun Siyam story has been written in the Maldives. How does Pasikudah write its own chapter, given how different the setting, the coastline, and the community around it are?

A: When the civil conflict in Sri Lanka’s Eastern Province ended in 2009, our founder Ahmed Siyam Mohamed saw something in Pasikudah Bay that many others had not yet noticed. The calm, shallow waters and unspoiled beaches were extraordinary, but he also saw a region ready for renewal and an opportunity to be part of that through responsible tourism.

The property opened in 2014 as a 34-room luxury boutique resort, quietly introducing refined hospitality to Sri Lanka’s east coast. Then came COVID-19 and the country’s economic crisis, two of the hardest back-to-back challenges any hospitality business could face. Rather than simply wait it out, General Manager Mohamed Arshed Refai led a comprehensive transformation of the property.

The refurbishment was guided by international design firm Studio 67, but its real character came from a very deliberate decision: every single material used was locally sourced, and Sri Lankan artisans and craftspeople were involved throughout the process. It was not just a renovation. It was a recommitment to the region and the people in it.

That is what sets Pasikudah apart within the Sun Siyam family. The Maldives properties have their own extraordinary identity, but Pasikudah’s chapter is distinctly Sri Lankan. From post-conflict rebuilding to post-crisis renewal, it is a story of courage, community, and the belief that investing in a place means investing in its people.

Q:There is an organic farm on the property growing over 38 varieties of fruits, vegetables, and herbs. Tell us about that. It feels like it says something bigger about how the resort thinks about its place here.

A: The farm is a fairly direct expression of how we think about our responsibility to this place. At least 30 percent of our menu is plant-based, and being able to grow a meaningful portion of that on the property makes that commitment tangible rather than theoretical. Guests receive their welcome drinks made with fruit grown here. The chefs know exactly where their produce comes from and what it took to grow it.

We also have what we call climate-conscious dishes on the menu, options designed around sustainable food principles that prompt guests to think about what they are eating and where it originated. Beyond the farm itself, we source a significant share of our ingredients from local farmers and producers in the surrounding community. That reduces food miles and carbon emissions, but it also means the resort is actively supporting the local food economy rather than bypassing it.

Put simply, the farm is not a marketing feature. It reflects a commitment to operating in a way that is connected to this land and these communities, rather than sitting apart from them.

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