Life style
‘Pride and ego’ cannot enter birth place of Jesus
Holy Land Tour (Palestine and Israel)
by Lalin Fernando
We were a group of 48 that visited the Holy Land (Palestine and Israel) in mid- September 2018. Guided by Bishop of Galle Dr. Raymond Wickremasinghe the group, now sadly 47 as one died on the tour, came back bonded by an experience of a lifetime with a spiritual predisposition. This was in the land of the three Aramaic religions with over 5,000 years of history dating back to Greek, Roman, Persian, Byzantine, Islamic; Crusader, Turkish and British mandate times. Much of it was violent, bloody but more was epochal and inspiring in an exceptional Mediterranean land.
We arrived in Amman, Jordan from Abu Dhabi on a Monday morning. The Israeli border crossing check point palaver which apparently could at times be a six hours ordeal, took us only about 45 minutes. This was most probably due to our tour manager Ms. Thusahari’s tremendous experience (over 20 tours), confidence and efficiency and of course the Bishop’s personality.
Crossing over to the Israeli side we had what was to be a trade mark warm greeting from Sonia, who some thought at first was one of our tour party. An Arab Christian born in Nazareth in Northern Israel, she was our very able guide. With a never failing sense of humour and politeness she kept us closely engaged. At the churches she made sure she was heard above other guides briefing their groups, while Bishop Raymond would translate into Sinhala and elaborate if necessary. Her briefings were delivered in precise and clear English. She asked us to note that much of the land was below sea level, a novel experience.
Our coach driver was gentleman Jameel. On our return to Jordan, it was ebullient Hussein who we were told was not from the Royal family! Both were excellent drivers especially when negotiating the spectacular mountain roads.
This is a fascinating land divided unequally and by force between Jews and Arabs. The UN in 1994 ordered Israel (Resolution 142) to hand back Arab land taken by conquest in 1967.This has not happened. Instead the Arabs were given certain areas designated as Palestinian Authority A and B. One, like Bethlehem, is policed by Arabs and the others like Gaza by Israelis. Provisions for the status quo of the holy places in Palestine are governed by the Treaty of Berlin (1878), so fortunately Israel is bound by it too. While there are parts that look like any first world country, some others saddened us.
We crossed over the Allenby (General, later Field Marshal) Bridge. It was Allenby, called ‘Bull,’ that led the British Army into Palestine during WW1 with the help of Colonel TE Lawrence’s Arab Forces. They had defeated the Ottoman Turks who had ruled most of Arabia for 400 years (1517-1918).The Arabs however were betrayed by the Brit ‘Bloody Balfour’.
We had a tasteless lunch in a restaurant overlooking the northern end of the Dead Sea that is about 300 feet below sea level. As we proceeded inland the scenery was breathtaking. Soaring mountains, bare of trees and greenery were interspersed with deep valleys in this part of the Levant (Cyprus, Jordan, Israel, Palestine, Lebanon and Syria). Later on we were amazed to see Israeli plantations with mangoes the size of coconuts and four ft tall coconut trees despite geography and rock hard soil. However due to overuse of scarce ground water, the Sea of Galilee which is the main source for Israel’s water, is drying up rapidly.
We saw armed soldiers in many places reminding us sadly of SL pre-May 2009. It excited some who photographed them despite warning notices not to do so. These were clearly young reservists of the crack Israeli Forces. They looked scruffy and bored.
We arrived in the late evening Monday at the impressive four-star Orient Palace Hotel, Al Sahel St, Bethlehem in Palestine. It is pronounced Bethlaham from Bait (House) laham (lamb). Apparently a butcher ran a mutton shop there centuries ago. We showered and struck out for the small shops close by. Our favourite was the Hezar sweet shop run by Issa and his son. We made friends and quickly struck bargains for an assortment of exotic nuts and Arabic and Turkish sweets. US dollars were the preferred currency. Nobody wanted Palestinian dinars!
Our wake up calls were at 5 am on the first three days after arriving, 4 am on one day and 3 am on the Nazareth (longest day) visit. This was necessary in order to be at the religious sites before hundreds of other tourists swarm in. The churches are open even at 5 am. Late arrival could result in considerable delay in entering the churches. As SL is two and a half hours ahead of their time, getting up early wasn’t much of a hassle from our normal waking up times.
The weather was glorious with clear blue skies, if also hot. It was ideal for the climbing and walking that we had to do daily. We drank a lot of water having been warned of heat stroke.
We set off each morning with inspirational Catholic piety, the Bishop leading in prayers and the singing of hymns. (The group had about three Anglicans and one Buddhist too) His Lordship was stern occasionally to make sure we did not waver in focus and purpose. We ended each day with Mass at the last church visited.
The churches made up in atmosphere, character and awe what they may have lacked in Western grandeur. The mosaics, stained glass windows with limestone or marble floors and columns were there but in dark, ‘moody, broody’ churches, lit with an assortment of brightly coloured lamps. Some were in humble stone buildings but they attracted pilgrims from all corners of the world in their thousands throughout the year. The Chinese were the most numerous from Asia.
On Tuesday we visited The Basilica of the Nativity, the birth place of Jesus. One enters it through the 4-foot by 2-foot Door of Humility. It is to make sure that by ‘pride and ego’ cannot enter. It was first built in the fourth century by Queen Helena, mother of the first Christian Roman ruler, Constantine. Burned down in a fire, it was rebuilt by Byzantine Emperor Justinian in the sixh century.
A 14 point silver star marked the place where Jesus was born. This was removed, probably by the Greeks in 1847, but was later replaced in 1853 by order of the ruling Ottoman Turks. It was a bit underwhelming as it was in urgent need of repairs, said to cost US$ 17 million. The Palestinian Authority (98% Muslim) and many countries including Jordan have contributed.
When the Persians invaded in 614 AD and torched almost all the churches, they spared this church as they believed the mosaics there depicted three women in Persian dress. Co-located is the Church of St Catherine where Christmas midnight Holy Mass is celebrated with teeming crowds.
We followed the Pilgrims route that included Shepherd’s Field, Manger Square and the Milk Grotto where Mary hid the infant Jesus from the Roman soldiers before her flight to Egypt. Apparently the white rock nearby indicates drops of milk.
We visited Mount Zion the site of the Last Supper Room, below which is King David’s tomb. The one mile ridge of the Mount of Olives that used to be covered with olive trees has a breathtaking view of Jerusalem with the Dome of the Rock covered in gold leaf, dazzling. The Garden of Gethsemane where some of the olive trees are over 900 years old lies at the bottom of the ridge in the Kidron Valley
The Basilica of Agony (Church of All Nations) is by Gethsemane. It is built over the rock on which Jesus spent the night in prayer before his betrayal by Judas and crucifixion. Its interior is purposely dark and the ceiling, painted dark blue, evoking the night time of agony.
We also visited Emmaus Abu Ghosh, seven miles from Jerusalem where Jesus appeared before his two disciples after his death and resurrection and had a meal. We saw the Church of St Peter in Galllicantu where the cock crowed for the third time as Peter thrice denied Jesus. The dungeon where Jesus was humiliated, assaulted and imprisoned by the Jewish High Priest Caiphas before he was tried is under the church. We also went to the Dormition Abbey on Mt Zion where Virgin Mary’s statue lies in peaceful slumber.
In the gorgeous hillside neighbourhood on the road to Jericho was the Franciscan Basilica of Visitation in Ein Karem, commemorating the visit of Mary to her cousin Elizabeth. This is where Mary sang her hymn of praise, the Magnificat (Latin-‘My Soul’). It is inscribed on its walls in 62 languages. It was banned in three countries as being revolutionary!
We saw the Golden Gate that is permanently closed but through which it is believed by all three religions that the Messiah will enter in latter days, the Chapel of Ascension (the caretakers are two Muslims), Pater Noster the church of the Lord’s Prayer (now in 140 languages), Pool of Bethesda where Christ cured a man who was crippled (with a noisy Indian tour party disturbing everyone). What is said to be the print of the right foot of Jesus can be seen at the Chapel of Ascension.
The left foot print is in the Al Aqsa shrine, apparently not a mosque, which is where the Muslims believe Mohamed made his Night Journey to Heaven, having arrived from Mecca.
On Wednesday we visited beguiling, bewildering and wonderful Jerusalem. There was over-excitement in presence of history, beauty and belief. Yet it is a city under tension as a 400 mile long 84 foot high wall cruelly encircles the West Bank Palestinians. Jerusalem’s name came from the Hebrew ‘Yerushalayim’ meaning the City of Peace.
We entered the walled Holy city after the Church of St Anne, dedicated to the mother of Virgin Mary, via St Stephen’s gate (Lion’s Gate).This is where the first Christian martyr was stoned to death. We walked on the Via Dolorosa (The Way of Sorrows – Way of the Cross) to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher (Calvary). The Jews (who else?) believe the route was different. The tour party, three at a time, took turns to carry the Cross (brought disassembled from SL) from station to station.
Sadly, the death of 80year old Mrs. Violet Perera due to a heart attack occurred in front of the Church just before noon. She had carried the cross twice. Her sister was present. The Bishop joined the paramedics in desperate resuscitation efforts. He and tour manager Thushari completed all formalities with the Israeli police including contacting the next-of-kin of the deceased in Negombo, all within two hours. Regrettably the SL Embassy did not take the many calls from the Israeli police during those two hours. They Embassy denied receiving any calls!
A pall of grief descended. The Bishop sensing despondency immediately revived everyone by reminding them that as we mourn for the dear departed lady, we should not let grief overcome purpose in the Holy Land.
The Church is the most venerated site in Christendom. It has very many chapels of all denominations. Four, some say five Stations of the Cross are within it. There is the lavishly decorated site of the crucifixion, Calvary (Golgotha), the Stone of Anointing and the (empty) tomb where Christ was buried, the traditional site of Resurrection of Christ at the Greek chapel of Anastatis, that has an altar over the rock of Calvary (12th station), the Catholic chapel of Nailing on the Cross (11th station). Underneath the Golgotha chapel is the statue of Mary (13th station).
The Church with a capacity of 8,000 opens at 4 am. About 15,000 visit daily. The Orthodox Greek start Mass, (2 am) followed by the Armenians and then the Catholics at 6 am. There is also a Copt who has to pray alone while Ethiopians do so from their roof top monastery. Priestly brawls over territory occur several times a year.This is despite the ‘firman’ (decree) by the Ottoman rulers in 1852, confirmed by the Treaty of Paris (1856) that binds the various denominations. Roof repairs and even shadows cause problems!
Questions were asked about the Arc of the Covenant where the Word of God, the Ten Commandments, in stone inscriptions inside a box apparently lies buried somewhere in the Temple Mount according to the Jews. Rumours are many and hoaxes a few but the Bishop reminded us not to worry about it as the Covenant is in the hearts of believers. The Jews however are digging for it close to Al Aqsa shrine, posing a problem to its foundation. They believe Al Aqsa was built over King David’s burial site. They insist a discovery of the Dead Sea scrolls proves where the location is and it would finally prove that Jerusalem belongs only to the Jews. When Israeli General Moshe Dayan’s troops swept into Jerusalem after defeating the Jordanians in 1967, he prohibited attempts to raze Al Aqsa shrine.
The Church was lost to the Christians for 700 years. Saladin, a Kurd from Tikrit (Saddham Hussein’s birth place) who conquered Jerusalem from the Crusaders (1198) gave the 30 cm long keys to it to two Muslims whose direct descendants Aded al Judeh (aged 89) and Nusseibeh (69-years) are the Custodians today. They open it at 4 am daily. They hold the ‘newer’ key that is 500-years old. They have the original that is 800 years old too! There is even an unused ladder in place from 1728 on the first floor.
We also visited the Western wall that is the foundation of the Temple Mount, the holiest place in the Jewish faith where King Solomon built their sacred temple. It came under Jewish control in 1967 after about 1,000 years. The Jews do not call it the ‘Wailing Wall’, a term coined by Westerners.
Jerusalem is also Islam’s third holy city.The Al Aqsa mosque on the Temple Mount is the third holiest Islamic site. It is where at one time Muslims turned in its direction to worship. It was to Mecca later. It is out of bounds to non Muslims. The Dome of the Rock is also there.
Coming down hill from the last church for the evening, we stopped at a place where everyone quenched their thirst with juice from massive pomegranates. An Israeli who had found out we were a happy talkative crowd from Sri Lanka said he had been an Air Force officer who had been in SL to fix guns on helicopters in 1988. He said he had an SLAF corporal as driver. This Corporal apparently pointed out Tamils on the streets as he drove in and out of Colombo. He said he too could always recognize an Arab anywhere, snidely suggesting we had something in common. I told him I was 78-years old but had never been able or wanted to look for racial or other differences between the Tamils and Sinhalese.
We had a 5 am start on Fri 14th to go to Nazareth, Jesus’ home town and the Arab ‘Hi Tech capital’ of Israel. It has 70% Muslims and 30% Christians. It nestles on a craggy hillside with tall trees. Its layout reminded one of Nuwara Eliya, where in fact there is a ‘Nazareth’ hotel.
We visited the Church of Annunciation where Angel Gabriel appeared before Mary, and told her she would give birth to a child, Cana, where water was turned into wine, the Church of St Joseph where Joseph had his carpentry workshop, Mount of Beatitudes (Eight Blessings) that is the site of the Sermon on the Mount, with its arches of marble and alabaster, Church of Multiplication, Church of Primacy of St Peter and the Franciscan Wedding Church at Kfar Kanna. Here married couples were overjoyed to be able to repeat their vows. Cana wine was bought by all with the promise of Christmas looming. Unfermented, it is sweet grape juice. Both are tempting.
We then descended to the Sea of Galilee (Tiberias) where it is said Jesus walked across its waters. The shore line was luxuriant with tall trees. Inland is the wateless plain of Hattin where the Arabs in 1187 under Saladin defeated the Crusaders under King Guy de Lusignan in one of the most decisive battles of history.
We each had an enormous Galilee Talapilla fish with rice and vegetables in a restaurant overlooking this fabled fresh water lake (sea). Our Hostess said the meal was specially prepared for us and asked if she could sing for us too. She did so sweetly. When she finished we persuaded Michelle who had sung in a Jerusalem church two days previously too, to respond. She obliged with a stunning and electric rendering of ‘O Jerusalem’. The hostess like the other over 100 guests, clearly inspired, sang once more.
We then had a boat ride on the Galilee. The crew at once ran up the Sri Lanka flag and played cassettes of Sinhalese songs as we motored in the emerald green waters overlooked by the Golan Heights with Mt Hermon, dominating and often snow capped, as we looked at the hills of Lebanon, Syria and Jordan
On the way back at Jericho we also saw the Sycamore tree that Zachariah, the short pitiless tax collector for the Jewish rulers, climbed to view Jesus. Overwhelmed at being recognized by Jesus, he reformed himself.
We had a 7am start on Saturday. Most of us wallowed in the turquoise waters of the Dead Sea that is 427m below sea level, the lowest point in the world. It is 35% salt. It keeps one completely buoyant, an unforgettable experience. It also has the lowest bar in the world!
We went to Jericho (Arab territory) and by cable car to the Mount of Temptation (Qurantico) 350m above sea level to have lunch in a restaurant carved into the rock. Qurantico is where Jesus defeated the temptation of the Devil for 40 days and 40 nights. The word ‘quarantine’ so familiar to us now, is derived from it. There is a Greek monastery up there too.
Jericho is said to be the oldest city in the world at 10,000 years. One mosque Omar is 258m (846 ft) below sea level. Just one percent of just one percent of its population is Christian. There is no proof that Jericho fort’s very old walls fell to Joshua’s legendary trumpet calls.
While waiting for the cable car for the return ride, a Palestinian policeman told us how very difficult Israel makes it for Arabs to get a passport or visit another country. Evil.
After lunch we went to Bethany near Al Maghtas where John the Baptist baptized Jesus in the Jordan River. The very pretty Arab and friendly Israeli girl soldiers caused a diversion- mainly for the ladies – who outnumbered the men in our group! The Israeli’s (who else?) say the actual baptismal place is further north under their control where hotels and guest houses reap the benefits. The river is just a muddy stream here. Its middle, marked by floats, marks the border between Jordan and Israel. The Bishop conducted the baptism ritual for those who wanted it. Jordanian soldiers like the Israelis were seen helping visitors. There is a Jewish ritual bathing too called the mikvah. The Arabs call it ‘immersion’.
As we were leaving an Israeli lady asked us where we were from. Having been told she said she was very happy to see people from SL and hoped that we enjoyed our visit there.
A final mass was in held in Bethlehem This time it was a Palestinian lady who having asked where we were from, thanked us for coming to Bethlehem. Tourism is the life blood of the Arabs in Palestine. There are over 600 hotels in Bethlehem.
All our lunches were at prearranged restaurants but the best was one we chose. At one, after lunch, its management distributed fez hats and organized a crocodile dance with rollicking Arab music. The best dancer cannot be named!
Every night at dinner in the shared Arab and Jewish tradition there were vegetables in plenty with various meats and kebabs and an abundance of fruit. Bishop Raymond unobtrusively sat at a different table every day, getting to know everyone in the group.
On the last night there was a delightful Arab pre-wedding women only party. There was music and dancing. They were all incredibly pretty with peaches and cream complexions and fashionably dressed.
At a short farewell ceremony, Sonia and Jameel were thanked profusely by the group as were the Bishop and Thushari. Individual donations were then given to Sonia and Jameel who became a bit emotional.
We left at 9.30 am on Saturday for our return to Jordan by coach. We were taken up to the heights of Mt. Nebo in Madaba where Moses, after 40 years of wandering to get to the Promised Land, died without being able to do so. He was a prophet of the Jews, Christians and Bhais. We saw the church that is built over his resting place. We had a stunning view of Palestine, the river Jordan and the Dead Sea as we climbed into the mountains.
We returned to SL on Monday with fond memories of a never-to-be-forgotten experience in splendid company. It had been a wonderful, delightful and charming few days. Not only Jews say ‘Next year in Jerusalem’.
Life style
Rediscovery of Strobilanthes pentandra after 48 years
A Flower Returns From Silence:
Nearly half a century after it slipped into botanical silence, a ghost flower of Sri Lanka’s misty highlands has returned—quietly, improbably, and beautifully—from the folds of the Knuckles mountain range.
In a discovery that blends patience, intuition and sheer field grit, Strobilanthes pentandra, one of Sri Lanka’s most elusive endemic flowering plants, has been rediscovered after 48 years with no confirmed records of its existence in the wild. For decades, it lived only as a name, a drawing, and a herbarium sheet. Until now.
This rare nelu species was first introduced to science in 1995 by renowned botanist J. R. I. Wood, based solely on a specimen collected in 1978 by Kostermans from the Lebnon Estate area. Remarkably, Wood himself had never seen the plant alive. The scientific illustration that accompanied its description was drawn entirely from dried herbarium material—an act of scholarly faith in a plant already vanishing from memory.
From then on, Strobilanthes pentandra faded into obscurity. For 47 long years, there were no sightings, no photographs, no field notes. By the time Sri Lanka’s 2020 National Red List was compiled, the species had been classified as Critically Endangered, feared by many to be lost, if not extinct.
The turning point came not from a planned expedition, but from curiosity.
In October 2025, Induwara Sachinthana, a fourth-year medical student at the University of Peradeniya with a sharp eye for plants, stumbled upon an unfamiliar flowering shrub while trekking in the Knuckles region.
Sensing its importance, he photographed the plant and sent the images for verification, asking a simple but crucial question: Could this be the recently described Strobilanthes sripadensis, discovered from the Sri Pada sanctuary in 2022?
At first glance, the resemblance was striking. But something didn’t quite add up.
Based on the location, morphology, and subtle floral traits, the initial response was cautious: it was neither S. sripadensis nor S. pentandra—or perhaps something entirely new. Yet, as the pieces slowly aligned, and as the habitat details became clearer, the possibility grew stronger: this long-lost species had quietly persisted in the rugged heart of Knuckles.
The confirmation followed through collaborative expertise. Leading Strobilanthes specialist Dr. Renuka Nilanthi Rajapakse, together with Dr. Himesh Dilruwan Jayasinghe and other researchers, carefully examined the evidence. After detailed comparison with historical descriptions and herbarium material, the verdict was clear and electrifying: this was indeed Strobilanthes pentandra.
What followed was not easy.
A challenging hike through unforgiving terrain led to the first live confirmation of the species in nearly five decades. Fresh specimens were documented and collected, breathing life into what had long been a botanical myth.
Adding further weight to the rediscovery, naturalist Aruna Wijenayaka and others subsequently recorded the same species from several additional locations within the Knuckles landscape.
The full scientific credit for this rediscovery rightfully belongs to Induwara Sachinthana, whose curiosity set the chain in motion, and to the dedicated field teams that followed through with persistence and precision.
Interestingly, the journey also resolved an important taxonomic question. Strobilanthes pentandra bears a strong resemblance to Strobilanthes sripadensis, raising early doubts about whether the Sri Pada species might have been misidentified.
Detailed analysis now confirms they are distinct species, each possessing unique diagnostic characters that separate them from each other—and from all other known nelu species in Sri Lanka. That said, as with all living systems, future taxonomic revisions remain possible. Nature, after all, is never finished telling her story.
Although the research paper is yet to be formally published, the team decided to share the news sooner than planned. With many hikers and locals already encountering the plant in Knuckles, its existence was no longer a secret. Transparency, in this case, serves conservation better than silence.
This rediscovery is more than a scientific milestone. It is a reminder of how much remains unseen in Sri Lanka’s biodiversity hotspots—and how easily such treasures can vanish without notice. It also highlights the power of collaboration across generations, disciplines and institutions.
Researchers thanked the Department of Wildlife Conservation and the Forest Department for granting research permissions, and to the many individuals who supported fieldwork in visible and invisible ways.
After 48 years in the shadows, Strobilanthes pentandra has stepped back into the light—fragile, rare, and reminding us that extinction is not always the final chapter.
Sometimes, nature waits.
By Ifham Nizam ✍️
Life style
Desire to connection. understanding sexual health in modern relationships
A conversation about intimacy, belonging and relationships with Dr Yasuni Manikkage
In an age where relationships are shaped as much by emotional awareness as by digital connection, conversations about sexual health are finally stepping out of the shadows.
As Dr. Yasuni Manikkage explains, sexual health is not just a medical issue but a lived experience woven through communication, consent, mental wellbeing and self-respect. Many couples share a home, a bed, even children, yet still feel like “Roommates with responsibilities” rather than lovers, which often signal a lack of emotional safety rather than a lack of physical contact. When desire shifts, they may panic, blame themselves or fear the relationship is dying, instead of recognising that changes in desire are common, understandable, and often transformable with knowledge, honest dialogue, and small daily acts of connection.
Q: Why did you decide to talk about sexual desire and connection now?
A: Because so many couples quietly suffer here. They love each other, share a home, raise children, but feel like “roommates with responsibilities” rather than lovers. They rarely talk about sex openly, so when desire changes, they panic, blame themselves, or assume the relationship is dying. I want people to know shifts in desire are common, understandable, and often treatable with knowledge, communication, and small daily changes.
Q: You say there is an “education gap” in sexual health. What do you mean by that?
A: Most women have never been properly taught about their own sexual anatomy, especially where and how they feel pleasure. Many men, on the other hand, have been left to “figure it out” from pornography, jokes, and guesswork. That’s a terrible training manual for real bodies and real emotions. This gap affects how easily women reach orgasm, how safe they feel in bed, and how satisfied both partners feel in the relationship.
Q: We hear about the “orgasm gap.” Is it really not biological?
A: There are biological factors, yes, but the main gap we see between men’s and women’s orgasm rates in heterosexual relationships comes from communication, knowledge, and what I call “pleasure equity.” In many bedrooms, the script is focused on penetration, speed, and the man’s climax. Women’s pleasure is often treated as optional or “extra.” When couples learn anatomy, slow down, focus on both bodies, and talk about what feels good, that gap narrows dramatically.
Q: Most people think desire should be spontaneous. Is that a myth?
A: It’s one of the biggest myths. Movies show desire as a spark that appears out of nowhere: one glance across the room and suddenly you’re tearing each other’s clothes off. That kind of spontaneous desire does happen, especially early in a relationship. But for many people, especially women, desire is often “responsive”. That means they start feeling desire after some warmth, touch, emotional closeness, or stimulation, not before.
So, if you’re waiting to “feel like it” before you touch or connect, you may wait a very long time. For many, desire comes “after” they start, not before.
Q: How would you scientifically describe sexual desire?
A: Desire is not just a physical urge. It’s a blend of attraction to your partner’s body and personality, emotional connection and feeling cared for, a sense of self-expansion or growth, learning, feeling alive with them, trust and safety, both emotionally and physically. It’s contextual: it changes with stress, health, life stages, and relationship quality. It’s relational: it lives between two nervous systems, not just in one body. And for many, it’s responsive: you get in the mood “after” a hug, a joke, a shower together, not randomly at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday.
Q: You mentioned an “updated sexual response cycle.” What does that look like in real life?
A: Older models suggested a straight line: desire, arousal, orgasm and resolution. That’s tidy, but human beings are messy and complex. Modern understanding is more like a circle or loop. You can enter the cycle at different points: maybe you start with touch, or a feeling of closeness, or even just a decision to connect. Desire doesn’t always come first; sometimes it shows up halfway through.
For example, you may feel tired and not “in the mood,” but you agree to cuddle and share some gentle touch. As you relax and feel appreciated, arousal builds, and then desire appears. That’s normal, not fake.
Q: Are there real gender differences in how desire works?
A: There are common patterns, though individuals vary a lot. Many women tend to enter through emotional intimacy: feeling heard, understood, and safe. Physical touch then wakes up arousal, and desire follows.
Many men more often start with physical attraction or arousal. They may feel desire quickly in response to visual or physical cues, and emotional intimacy can deepen later.
Both patterns are healthy and normal. The problem starts when each partner assumes the other should work exactly like them, and if they don’t, they must be “cold” “needy” or “broken.” Understanding these differences turns conflict into curiosity.
Q: How does desire change as a relationship ages?
A: Think of three broad stages.
stage 1 – Early Attraction (0-6 months): High novelty, strong chemistry, lots of dopamine. You’re discovering each other; desire often feels effortless. stage 2 – Deepening Intimacy (6 months-2 years): You know each other better. The high settles. Desire becomes more linked to emotional closeness. Frequency may drop, and that is “normal”.
stage 3 – Maintenance and Maturity (2-10+ years): Life arrives -work, kids, money, health. Desire usually doesn’t feel automatic. It needs conscious attention, novelty, and emotional safety.
A common mistake is comparing stage 3 desire to Stage 1 and assuming, “we’ve failed.” Actually, you’ve just moved into a different phase that requires new skills.
Q: What are some main things that influence desire?
A:We can think in three layers.
Biological: hormones (testosterone, estrogen), brain chemicals (dopamine, serotonin), medical conditions like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, chronic pain, sleep problems, menopause, and genital issues such as vaginal dryness or pelvic floor pain.
Psychological: negative early sexual experiences, trauma or abuse, body image concerns, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and certain mental health conditions.
Relational and social: how safe and respected you feel, attachment style, quality of communication, power imbalances, work and financial stress, caregiving burdens, privacy, and cultural messages that centre on penetration over pleasure. Desire is never “just in your head” or “just in your hormones” – it’s all three interacting.
Q: What tends to kill desire in long-term relationships?
A: Several patterns show up again and again:
Resentment and unresolved conflict – small hurts that never get repaired.
Lack of emotional safety – fear of being judged, rejected, or punished for being vulnerable.
Poor communication – avoiding difficult topics, sarcasm instead of honesty.
Body image shame – feeling unattractive, “too old,” “too fat,” or “not enough.”
Power imbalance -one partner controlling decisions, money, or sex.
Sexual guilt or religious shame messages that sex is dirty, selfish, or only for reproduction.
Stress, burnout, depression -when your nervous system is in survival mode, it doesn’t prioritise pleasure.
You can’t expect desire to flourish in an environment that feels unsafe, unfair, or constantly tense.
Q: And what actually builds desire?
A: Desire thrives in a combination of safety and aliveness.
Emotional intimacy: feeling seen, heard, and valued.
Nervous system calm: your body is relaxed enough to feel pleasure, not just guard against danger.
Open communication: you can talk about wants, limits, and fantasies without mocking or shutting each other down.
Continued growth: doing new things together, seeing new sides of each other, evolving as a team.
I often say: stagnation is desire’s enemy; growth is its ally. Even small adventures -trying a new cafe, dancing in the living room, travelling a different route-can reawaken curiosity.
Q: Can you give couples a simple framework to reconnect?
A: Yes, I often share a six-step framework that’s practical and gentle.
1. Check in: Ask, “How connected do we feel lately?” Not just “How often are we having sex?”
2. Non-sexual touch: Hugs, stroking hair, holding hands – without expecting sex at the end.
3. Novelty: Try something new together: a class, a walk in a different place, a game, a shared hobby.
4. Appreciation: Tell your partner what you notice and value about them, including non-sexual qualities.
5. vulnerability: Share one fear, one hope, or one truth you usually hide.
6. Initiation: Don’t wait for desire to fall from the sky. Gently invite connection; sometimes the mood follows the movement.
You don’t need to do all of this perfectly. Even one or two steps, done consistently, can shift the energy between you.
Q: How can someone tell if their desire problem needs more attention or professional help?
A: some warning signs include:
You feel emotionally distant, even though you still love each other.
Desire has dropped sharply and is tied to stress, shame, or unspoken conflict.
You feel unable to talk about sex without fighting or shutting down.
sex is used to avoid real intimacy, or to keep the peace, rather than to connect.
You feel afraid or ashamed to say what you truly want-or what you don’t want. In these situations, talking to a doctor, a sexual medicine specialist, or a therapist can be very helpful. You are not “broken” for needing support.
Q: Many couples say, “We love each other but there’s no spark.” What do you tell them?
A: I often say, “Let’s first normalise where you are.” If you’ve been together for years, maybe raising children and navigating financial pressures, it’s normal that your desire doesn’t look like the early days. That doesn’t mean your relationship is dying.
usually, you’re in the maintenance phase. Desire is quieter but can be reawakened with intentional effort: scheduling time for each other, bringing in novelty, and rebuilding emotional safety. It’s less about chasing fireworks and more about tending a fire so it doesn’t go out.
Q: what about couples with mismatched desires – one wants sex often, the other rarely?
A: This is extremely common. The mistake is to frame it as “the pursuer is demanding” and “the less-desiring partner is rejecting.” underneath, there are often two different nervous systems trying to feel safe.
one partner might use physical closeness to feel secure and loved. The other might need emotional safety first before their body can relax into physical intimacy. When couples understand this, they stop seeing each other as enemies and start cooperating: “How can we meet ‘both’ our needs, instead of arguing about who is right?”
Q: Many people, especially women, say sex feels like an obligation. What does that signal to you as a doctor?
A: It’s a red flag – not that the person is broken, but that something important is missing. sex should be about connection, pleasure, and mutual choice. when it becomes a duty, I look for:
Emotional disconnection or resentment.
Fear of conflict or abandonment if they say no.
Lack of felt safety or freedom to express preferences.
The solution is not to “force yourself more.” It is to rebuild emotional safety, renegotiate consent and expectations, and often to have very honest conversations about what feels missing or painful.
Q: If you could leave couples with a few key messages about desire and connection, what would they be?
A: I’d highlight four truths:
Desire and emotional intimacy are deeply connected. When you feel safe, loved, and seen, desire has space to grow.
Desire changes across life and relationship stages. That’s normal, not evidence of failure.
Safety is the foundation. without trust and a calm nervous system, no technique or position will fix desire.
You have agency. Through communication, intentional connection, and sometimes professional help, it is possible to revive and reshape your sexual relationship. If you are reading this and thinking, “This sounds like us,” my invitation is simple: start with one honest conversation. Ask your partner, “Where do you naturally enter the cycle -through emotions, touch, or arousal? What helps you feel desire? What do you need from me to feel safe and wanted?”
Those questions, asked with kindness and curiosity, can quietly change the entire trajectory of a relationship.
Life style
Ramazan spirit comes alive at ‘Marhaba’
At Muslim Ladies College
The spirit of Ramadan came alive at the Muslim Ladies as the much-awaited pre-Ramadan sale “Marabha” organised by MLC PPA unfolded at SLEC the event drew students, parents and old girls to a colourful celebration filled with the aromas of traditional delicacies and the buzz of excitement from the buzzling stalls
Behind the seamless flow and refined presentation were Feroza Muzzamil and Zamani Nazeem. Whose dedication and eye for detail elevated the entire occasion. Their work reflected not only efficiency but a deep understanding of the institution’s values. It was an event, reflected teamwork, vision and a shared commitment to doing things so beautifully. The shoppers were treated to an exquisite selection of Abayas, hijabs and modern fashion essentials, carefully curated to blend contemporary trends with classic elegance. Each stall offered unique piece from intricately embroidered dresses to chic modern designs. The event also highlighted local entrepreneurs a chance to support homegrown talent. Traditional Ramazan goods and refreshment added a delighted touch, making it as much a cultural celebration as a shopping experience.
- Endless deals,endless possibilities
- Goods at reasonable prices
- Zamani and Feroza setting the bar high
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