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Are We Sacrificing Femininity at the Altar of Feminism?

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Vijaya Chandrasoma

The principle that that regulates the existing social relations between the two sexes – the legal subordination of one sex to another – is wrong itself, and is now one of the chief obstacles to human improvement”. John Stuart Mill (1869)

I was encouraged by these words of John Stuart Mill to write about the slight but ongoing improvement of the lot of the female sex, whose centuries-long subordination is at last showing some, perhaps minimal, progress towards equality. Progress that has been a long time in the coming, and prevails mainly in the more developed and socially enlightened nations.

There is still a long way to go, especially in the less developed countries, where men use outside factors, mainly religion and tradition, to keep women firmly in their place and under their yoke. Absolute power maintained through enactment of religious laws and barbaric punishments which enable men to have control over education, virginity and extra marital sex, reproductive freedom, dress, marriage and aspirations of women, even permission to play sports or drive motor vehicles.

Of course, total quality between the sexes will never be literally possible. However, both men and women would be well-advised to creatively use the unique and God or evolution given weapons – the physical strength of men, and the feminine beauty and wiles of women, a far more lethal force – to reach the kind of equality and harmony acceptable to both sexes.

Having lived in the USA for a couple of decades, I keep closely in touch with the frequent societal and political changes in a nation that still seems confused on matters of sexual and racial equality. Recently, the Christian right-wing US Supreme Court ruled on restrictions on the rights of women’s reproductive freedom. They are following up with more radical right-wing, “Christian” decisions restricting the liberties of the LGBTQ community and abolishing the educational rights, through Affirmative Action, of minority, especially African American, students. Today’s white supremacist Republican Party, backed by a corrupt Supreme Court, which President Biden politely described as “not normal”, will, if given free rein, take the nation back to the Christian white-dominated environment of the 1950s.

In many other areas, however, women, through the Me Too Feminism movement in the USA, and other nations of European origin, have made significant progress in achieving some equality of income and social justice. My concern is that while achieving such near-equality, they may be denying themselves many of the courtesies and privileges naturally due to them because of their femininity.

Deprived by illness of indulging in those activities that make life worth living, I am now faced with the arduous task of productively filling the void of 24 hours of an excruciatingly long and lonely day. A day in which the highlights are medications, meager and monotonous meals and oxygen masks. Reading and attempts at writing help, but failing eyesight restricts the former and paucity of creative talent the latter.

I try to hasten my recovery and fill my day by resorting to mild exercise. During regular visits to the gym, I strive to revive my ancient muscles with 30 minutes on the exercise bike, a tedious diversion made tolerable by reading. My favorite go to book during these endeavors is re-reading extracts of a narrative written by my father about his childhood, during the ages of five and eight years, at his grandparents’ house in a little village in the south of Sri Lanka.

The other day, I was reading a chapter describing the relationships which existed between men and women in the early 20th century in rural Ceylon. A superficial examination of these relationships may seem, like John Stuart Mill said in his essay on The Subjection of Women, “The relation between husband and wife is very like that between lord and vassal, except that the wife is held to more unlimited obedience than the vassal was”. But when you look deeply at the bond between my fathers’ grandparents, the illusion of such an unequal and dominant relationship is so far removed from reality, it couldn’t be further away from the truth.

My father’s narrative was of a typical marriage in the rural south that his grandparents enjoyed for over 60 years, a relationship steeped in reality and respect. A bond that did not sacrifice the softness of femininity at the altar of equality, that was already implicit. A marriage that did not evolve around that ephemeral ingredient of love, a sine qua non in modern marriages.

I am not for a moment saying that an “arranged marriage” is preferable to what is now quaintly known as a “love marriage”. Just that the former is arranged between partners of similar ethnicity, creed, social and financial status, and physical compatibility (unlike in the very bad old days, the prospective partners are given the opportunity of meeting each other before the knot is tied); while the latter is based, initially, anyway, on physical attraction and desire, “love (lust?) at first sight”, if you will.

Either way, the process of selection of a partner is a crap shoot. The few couples who hit the jackpot of a successful relationship, whether arranged or love, experience all the ecstasies of a marriage made in heaven. The kind predicted by every astrologer consulted by parents before the marriage of their children is contracted. I have a few friends who live in the joy of such marriages, and their happiness drive me to sullen envy, while I pretend to delight in their good fortune.

My guess is that the percentages of successful and happy marriages, arranged or love, run at around 10%, while the unhappy or intolerable ones, the ones which are kept going in resentment for various reasons, usually “for the sake of the children”, constitute the majority.

The institution of marriage, which has served society well for centuries, seems to have run its course, and may be replaced before long by a system where men and women find delight in each other without legal or traditional restrictions. Same-sex marriage, which seems to be gaining legal currency in the west, may well be the harbinger of future fundamental changes in age-old marital values and traditions.

But, for an appreciation of those age-old values, I would encourage you to read extracts from my father’s book on this subject, copied below. His narrative of his grandparents’ marriage in the early 20th century, describes a relationship of mutual respect and acceptance of the duties of each partner, without “unrealistic and superhuman demands on each other’s capacities”.

I am taking the risk, by copying these extracts, of publicly exposing my scant abilities at writing compared to the prose of my father, whose knowledge of, and expression in, the English language, was impeccable.

“Unlike today, when you see so many husbands squirming before their wives, in those days, conjugal relationships were conducted along well-defined lines. This made for much less confusion and for greater marital satisfaction and happiness.

“Neither my grandfather nor my grandmother went to the sort of school we know, They knew no English and less Latin. They happily avoided the sense of inferiority imparted to children of our generation in our hybrid schools. My grandfather studied at the feet of one of the most renowned scholar monks of the southern province and acquired wisdom of an order rarely seen today. His knowledge of the world was incisive and his grasp of the practical philosophy of Buddhism, which was his steadfast way of life, comprehensive. My grandmother had no formal schooling and married my grandfather when she was fourteen. Her understanding of men and matters, which she absorbed from my grandfather, made her in her own right a highly educated and intelligent woman.

“When my grandparents came to know each other, there was naturally no talk of love, for they had not encountered this description of a normal and uncomplicated relationship between male and female. They did know and accept the duties and responsibilities of each partner to a contract of marriage. When they were married, they discharged these with mutual respect, affection, consideration and sometimes with enthusiasm. They had their share of problems, difficulties and disappointments. None of these stemmed from unrealistic and superhuman demands on each other’s capacities.

“As with all married couples, my grandparents had their differences of opinion. But like reasonable human beings, each expounded a point of view without heat or rancour; then they resolved their differences to their mutual satisfaction, thereby also increasing the area of understanding of each other. I can remember one serious conflict of opinion and the manner of its resolution.

My grandmother had a hobby. Her hobby, the seasoning of areca (arecanuts, known for their bitter and tangy taste, raw, dried or seasoned, are routinely used for chewing, with leaves of betel and tobacco), was meant to provide her with pin money. A few arecanut trees in the back garden gave her the idea of growing these on a minor commercial scale. Where before she had to cope with perhaps a hundred pounds of areca per month, she now had to cope with a thousand. To get the best price for the areca, one has to soak it in stagnant water, so that the nut emanates that distinctive aroma that is the ecstasy of the aficionado. To do this created problems.

One can soak a hundred pounds of areca a month in a number of fair-sized buckets. But one thousand? My grandmother soon decided what she wanted: an eight-foot long, four foot wide, three foot tall cement tank, built against the side wall of the kitchen.

My grandmother waited for the propitious moment and selected it with care, which was after a good day at the store and a satisfactory dinner (and going by subsequent stories in my father’s book, a few sips of French brandy he used to bring from his trips to Colombo). After a suitable lapse of time, my grandfather inquired what she wanted. She detailed her hopes and plans for the areca business and waxed enthusiastic over the proposal to build a tank. My grandfather gave his characteristic grunt that due notice of her request had been taken.

My grandfather was no mean carpenter. By evening, he had arrived at what we now call an appreciation of the viability of the project. He informed my grandmother that building a tank was so uneconomic that only someone with a total disregard for the value of money could conjure up such a scheme. My grandmother looked at him, sniffed somewhat disdainfully and went about her business.

Two days later, workmen and materials arrived, and within three days, my grandmother’s tank, exactly as she had envisaged it, was ready to be filled with water.To this day, the tank sits next to the kitchen wall, a silent tribute to the depth of understanding, a half-century or more ago, of men and women welded in conjugal harmony”.

Perhaps an inkling that much can be achieved with the soft sweetness of femininity rather than the naked aggression of feminism.I wish my father had shared these experiences with me when I was a young man. I have no doubt that I would have been a better man, husband and father.



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Challenges faced by the media in South Asia in fostering regionalism

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Main speaker Roman Gautam (R) and Executive Director, RCSS, Ambassador (Retd) Ravinatha Aryasinha.

SAARC or the South Asian Association for Regional Cooperation has been declared ‘dead’ by some sections in South Asia and the idea seems to be catching on. Over the years the evidence seems to have been building that this is so, but a matter that requires thorough probing is whether the media in South Asia, given the vital part it could play in fostering regional amity, has had a role too in bringing about SAARC’s apparent demise.

That South Asian governments have had a hand in the ‘SAARC debacle’ is plain to see. For example, it is beyond doubt that the India-Pakistan rivalry has invariably got in the way, particularly over the past 15 years or thereabouts, of the Indian and Pakistani governments sitting at the negotiating table and in a spirit of reconciliation resolving the vexatious issues growing out of the SAARC exercise. The inaction had a paralyzing effect on the organization.

Unfortunately the rest of South Asian governments too have not seen it to be in the collective interest of the region to explore ways of jump-starting the SAARC process and sustaining it. That is, a lack of statesmanship on the part of the SAARC Eight is clearly in evidence. Narrow national interests have been allowed to hijack and derail the cooperative process that ought to be at the heart of the SAARC initiative.

However, a dimension that has hitherto gone comparatively unaddressed is the largely negative role sections of the media in the SAARC region could play in debilitating regional cooperation and amity. We had some thought-provoking ‘takes’ on this question recently from Roman Gautam, the editor of ‘Himal Southasian’.

Gautam was delivering the third of talks on February 2nd in the RCSS Strategic Dialogue Series under the aegis of the Regional Centre for Strategic Studies, Colombo, at the latter’s conference hall. The forum was ably presided over by RCSS Executive Director and Ambassador (Retd.) Ravinatha Aryasinha who, among other things, ensured lively participation on the part of the attendees at the Q&A which followed the main presentation. The talk was titled, ‘Where does the media stand in connecting (or dividing) Southasia?’.

Gautam singled out those sections of the Indian media that are tamely subservient to Indian governments, including those that are professedly independent, for the glaring lack of, among other things, regionalism or collective amity within South Asia. These sections of the media, it was pointed out, pander easily to the narratives framed by the Indian centre on developments in the region and fall easy prey, as it were, to the nationalist forces that are supportive of the latter. Consequently, divisive forces within the region receive a boost which is hugely detrimental to regional cooperation.

Two cases in point, Gautam pointed out, were the recent political upheavals in Nepal and Bangladesh. In each of these cases stray opinions favorable to India voiced by a few participants in the relevant protests were clung on to by sections of the Indian media covering these trouble spots. In the case of Nepal, to consider one example, a young protester’s single comment to the effect that Nepal too needed a firm leader like Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was seized upon by the Indian media and fed to audiences at home in a sensational, exaggerated fashion. No effort was made by the Indian media to canvass more opinions on this matter or to extensively research the issue.

In the case of Bangladesh, widely held rumours that the Hindus in the country were being hunted and killed, pogrom fashion, and that the crisis was all about this was propagated by the relevant sections of the Indian media. This was a clear pandering to religious extremist sentiment in India. Once again, essentially hearsay stories were given prominence with hardly any effort at understanding what the crisis was really all about. There is no doubt that anti-Muslim sentiment in India would have been further fueled.

Gautam was of the view that, in the main, it is fear of victimization of the relevant sections of the media by the Indian centre and anxiety over financial reprisals and like punitive measures by the latter that prompted the media to frame their narratives in these terms. It is important to keep in mind these ‘structures’ within which the Indian media works, we were told. The issue in other words, is a question of the media completely subjugating themselves to the ruling powers.

Basically, the need for financial survival on the part of the Indian media, it was pointed out, prompted it to subscribe to the prejudices and partialities of the Indian centre. A failure to abide by the official line could spell financial ruin for the media.

A principal question that occurred to this columnist was whether the ‘Indian media’ referred to by Gautam referred to the totality of the Indian media or whether he had in mind some divisive, chauvinistic and narrow-based elements within it. If the latter is the case it would not be fair to generalize one’s comments to cover the entirety of the Indian media. Nevertheless, it is a matter for further research.

However, an overall point made by the speaker that as a result of the above referred to negative media practices South Asian regionalism has suffered badly needs to be taken. Certainly, as matters stand currently, there is a very real information gap about South Asian realities among South Asian publics and harmful media practices account considerably for such ignorance which gets in the way of South Asian cooperation and amity.

Moreover, divisive, chauvinistic media are widespread and active in South Asia. Sri Lanka has a fair share of this species of media and the latter are not doing the country any good, leave alone the region. All in all, the democratic spirit has gone well into decline all over the region.

The above is a huge problem that needs to be managed reflectively by democratic rulers and their allied publics in South Asia and the region’s more enlightened media could play a constructive role in taking up this challenge. The latter need to take the initiative to come together and deliberate on the questions at hand. To succeed in such efforts they do not need the backing of governments. What is of paramount importance is the vision and grit to go the extra mile.

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When the Wetland spoke after dusk

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Environmental groups and representatives

By Ifham Nizam

As the sun softened over Colombo and the city’s familiar noise began to loosen its grip, the Beddagana Wetland Park prepared for its quieter hour — the hour when wetlands speak in their own language.

World Wetlands Day was marked a little early this year, but time felt irrelevant at Beddagana. Nature lovers, students, scientists and seekers gathered not for a ceremony, but for listening. Partnering with Park authorities, Dilmah Conservation opened the wetland as a living classroom, inviting more than a 100 participants to step gently into an ecosystem that survives — and protects — a capital city.

Wetlands, it became clear, are not places of stillness. They are places of conversation.

Beyond the surface

In daylight, Beddagana appears serene — open water stitched with reeds, dragonflies hovering above green mirrors.

Yet beneath the surface lies an intricate architecture of life. Wetlands are not defined by water alone, but by relationships: fungi breaking down matter, insects pollinating and feeding, amphibians calling across seasons, birds nesting and mammals moving quietly between shadows.

Participants learned this not through lectures alone, but through touch, sound and careful observation. Simple water testing kits revealed the chemistry of urban survival. Camera traps hinted at lives lived mostly unseen.

Demonstrations of mist netting and cage trapping unfolded with care, revealing how science approaches nature not as an intruder, but as a listener.

Again and again, the lesson returned: nothing here exists in isolation.

Learning to listen

Perhaps the most profound discovery of the day was sound.

Wetlands speak constantly, but human ears are rarely tuned to their frequency. Researchers guided participants through the wetland’s soundscape — teaching them to recognise the rhythms of frogs, the punctuation of insects, the layered calls of birds settling for night.

Then came the inaudible made audible. Bat detectors translated ultrasonic echolocation into sound, turning invisible flight into pulses and clicks. Faces lit up with surprise. The air, once assumed empty, was suddenly full.

It was a moment of humility — proof that much of nature’s story unfolds beyond human perception.

Sethil on camera trapping

The city’s quiet protectors

Environmental researcher Narmadha Dangampola offered an image that lingered long after her words ended. Wetlands, she said, are like kidneys.

“They filter, cleanse and regulate,” she explained. “They protect the body of the city.”

Her analogy felt especially fitting at Beddagana, where concrete edges meet wild water.

She shared a rare confirmation: the Collared Scops Owl, unseen here for eight years, has returned — a fragile signal that when habitats are protected, life remembers the way back.

Small lives, large meanings

Professor Shaminda Fernando turned attention to creatures rarely celebrated. Small mammals — shy, fast, easily overlooked — are among the wetland’s most honest messengers.

Using Sherman traps, he demonstrated how scientists read these animals for clues: changes in numbers, movements, health.

In fragmented urban landscapes, small mammals speak early, he said. They warn before silence arrives.

Their presence, he reminded participants, is not incidental. It is evidence of balance.

Narmadha on water testing pH level

Wings in the dark

As twilight thickened, Dr. Tharaka Kusuminda introduced mist netting — fine, almost invisible nets used in bat research.

He spoke firmly about ethics and care, reminding all present that knowledge must never come at the cost of harm.

Bats, he said, are guardians of the night: pollinators, seed dispersers, controllers of insects. Misunderstood, often feared, yet indispensable.

“Handle them wrongly,” he cautioned, “and we lose more than data. We lose trust — between science and life.”

The missing voice

One of the evening’s quiet revelations came from Sanoj Wijayasekara, who spoke not of what is known, but of what is absent.

In other parts of the region — in India and beyond — researchers have recorded female frogs calling during reproduction. In Sri Lanka, no such call has yet been documented.

The silence, he suggested, may not be biological. It may be human.

“Perhaps we have not listened long enough,” he reflected.

The wetland, suddenly, felt like an unfinished manuscript — its pages alive with sound, waiting for patience rather than haste.

The overlooked brilliance of moths

Night drew moths into the light, and with them, a lesson from Nuwan Chathuranga. Moths, he said, are underestimated archivists of environmental change. Their diversity reveals air quality, plant health, climate shifts.

As wings brushed the darkness, it became clear that beauty often arrives quietly, without invitation.

Sanoj on female frogs

Coexisting with the wild

Ashan Thudugala spoke of coexistence — a word often used, rarely practiced. Living alongside wildlife, he said, begins with understanding, not fear.

From there, Sethil Muhandiram widened the lens, speaking of Sri Lanka’s apex predator. Leopards, identified by their unique rosette patterns, are studied not to dominate, but to understand.

Science, he showed, is an act of respect.

Even in a wetland without leopards, the message held: knowledge is how coexistence survives.

When night takes over

Then came the walk: As the city dimmed, Beddagana brightened. Fireflies stitched light into darkness. Frogs called across water. Fish moved beneath reflections. Insects swarmed gently, insistently. Camera traps blinked. Acoustic monitors listened patiently.

Those walking felt it — the sense that the wetland was no longer being observed, but revealed.

For many, it was the first time nature did not feel distant.

A global distinction, a local duty

Beddagana stands at the heart of a larger truth. Because of this wetland and the wider network around it, Colombo is the first capital city in the world recognised as a Ramsar Wetland City.

It is an honour that carries obligation. Urban wetlands are fragile. They disappear quietly. Their loss is often noticed only when floods arrive, water turns toxic, or silence settles where sound once lived.

Commitment in action

For Dilmah Conservation, this night was not symbolic.

Speaking on behalf of the organisation, Rishan Sampath said conservation must move beyond intention into experience.

“People protect what they understand,” he said. “And they understand what they experience.”

The Beddagana initiative, he noted, is part of a larger effort to place science, education and community at the centre of conservation.

Listening forward

As participants left — students from Colombo, Moratuwa and Sabaragamuwa universities, school environmental groups, citizens newly attentive — the wetland remained.

It filtered water. It cooled air. It held life.

World Wetlands Day passed quietly. But at Beddagana, something remained louder than celebration — a reminder that in the heart of the city, nature is still speaking.

The question is no longer whether wetlands matter.

It is whether we are finally listening.

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Cuteefly … for your Valentine

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Indunil with one of her creations

Valentine’s Day is all about spreading love and appreciation, and it is a mega scene on 14th February.

People usually shower their loved ones with gifts, flowers (especially roses), and sweet treats.

Couples often plan romantic dinners or getaways, while singles might treat themselves to self-care or hang out with friends.

It’s a day to express feelings, share love, and make memories, and that’s exactly what Indunil Kaushalya Dissanayaka, of Cuteefly fame, is working on.

She has come up with a novel way of making that special someone extra special on Valentine’s Day.

Indunil is known for her scented and beautifully turned out candles, under the brand name Cuteefly, and we highlighted her creativeness in The Island of 27th November, 2025.

She is now working enthusiastically on her Valentine’s Day candles and has already come up with various designs.

“What I’ve turned out I’m certain will give lots of happiness to the receiver,” said Indunil, with confidence.

In addition to her own designs, she says she can make beautiful candles, the way the customer wants it done and according to their budget, as well.

Customers can also add anything they want to the existing candles, created by Indunil, and make them into gift packs.

Another special feature of Cuteefly is that you can get them to deliver the gifts … and surprise that special someone on Valentine’s Day.

Indunil was originally doing the usual 9 to 5 job but found it kind of boring, and then decided to venture into a scene that caught her interest, and brought out her hidden talent … candle making

And her scented candles, under the brand ‘Cuteefly,’ are already scorching hot, not only locally, but abroad, as well, in countries like Canada, Dubai, Sweden and Japan.

“I give top priority to customer satisfaction and so I do my creative work with great care, without any shortcomings, to ensure that my customers have nothing to complain about.”

Indunil creates candles for any occasion – weddings, get-togethers, for mental concentration, to calm the mind, home decorations, as gifts, for various religious ceremonies, etc.

In addition to her candle business, Indunil is also a singer, teacher, fashion designer, and councellor but due to the heavy workload, connected with her candle business, she says she can hardly find any time to devote to her other talents.

Indunil could be contacted on 077 8506066, Facebook page – Cuteefly, Tiktok– Cuteefly_tik, and Instagram – Cuteeflyofficial.

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