Love and Women– personal narratives

Reviewed by Ruki Attygalle

Nanda Pethiyagoda is no stranger to the Sri Lankan English reading public. She has authored twelve books, fiction, non-fiction and on Sri Lanka. She holds a BA (Hons) degree in English Literature, and is also a UK qualified Librarian. Having been a teacher for two decades, she moved into a career in information science, and now works as a freelance journalist. Most newspaper readers are familiar with ‘Nan’ and another pseudonymous columnist who come into their homes on a weekly basis.

Pethiyagoda won the B.A. Siriwardena Columnist of the Year Award for Excellence in 2008 and was shortlisted for the Fairway National Literary Award for Best Novel in English in 2017. Her book of short stories was nominated for the State Literary Award in 2017.

Her writing makes it clear that she has always been, and still is, a champion for women. Three of her earlier publications – Kandy Collage (2009), Emerged: noteworthy women from Kandy (2011) and Mosaic (2020) were stories of women. I consider her latest publication Love and Women: personal narratives an absolute ground- breaker. By offering the protection of anonymity, she has opened a new avenue for those who have stories to tell but are reluctant to do so. Only a few writers are brave enough to expose themselves to the public. The majority suffer from the “What if so and so reads this” or “How can I face my friends after exposing these facts” syndrome.

Love and Women is a compilation of nine stories collected and edited by Pethiyagoda. By assuring anonymity, she has given the writers the freedom to write whatever they have to say with no holds barred.

These stories challenge the notion that marriage is the desired /ideal final goal for a woman; without a male partner a woman’s life is incomplete. It also explores women’s expectations from marriage and what role ‘Love’ plays in this relationship. Additionally, it highlights how societal norms and attitudes play a vital role in shaping the life of a woman.

Pethiyagoda dedicates the book

To all women of Sri Lanka from Point Pedro to Devundara:

We live in a patriarchal milieu but are the stronger half –

steadier, more giving of love and ourselves, and we subtly head

families. Prideful, true daughters to Mother Lanka.

Nanda Pethiyagoda – Women’s Champion- coming out in full force!

The editor attempts to present an objective and unbiased view of the subject of love and marriage. Hence the book is divided into three sections.

Part 1 – Never Married,

Part 2 – Married but…

Part 3- Happily married

In part 1, none of the writers were unhappy about their single status.

One writer says “As for me, I have embraced my singleness as a gift and a calling, not an abdication of my desire to marry…”

Another states “… I am not a ‘bitter spinster’. I genuinely believe that I know what I want in a relationship in terms of values I would like to share with a partner, who complements rather than completes me… Breaking up/divorcing is much more painful than hitting the milestone of ‘spinster’ or ‘thornback’ status.”

Still another, goes on to list the reasons why she is happy with her spinsterhood.

“As for me, I am truly enjoying the independence which comes from being single. I do not have to answer to anyone…I do not have anyone checking my bank balance or my emails or instructing me on how I should spend my money. It is truly great to be single and independent and I would conclude this essay by saying “Hurrah for single girls”

The common thread that runs through these stories is the pressure both social /parental for women to marry. One comments “…I know members of the older generation who still believe that a life without marriage is not a life lived, at least not worthy of consideration!”

Part 2 deals with stories of problematic marriages. Some express raw feelings of anger and helplessness. Also, of sacrifice and acceptance. Others treated their failed marriages with nonchalance.

The common thread that seemed to run through most of these are problems caused by male chauvinism, power struggles, male insensitivity and indifference, and unrealistic expectations (on both sides); and of course, the ever-present, elephant in the room – the concept of LOVE.

Part 3 – Happily Married

Sadly, this section has just one story. It was heartening to read it, but what comes through clearly is that happiness achieved in this particular case, was also through the woman’s wisdom and her ability to forgive her husband’s infidelity.

These stories certainly demonstrate that women are ‘The stronger half – steadier, more giving of love…” the author refers to, in her dedication.

Love and Women is a “must read” not just for women but for men too. I think that some men go through life unaware of male chauvinism in their attitudes to women and love. These patriarchal attitudes have tainted our society for many generations, but is still accepted by some as normal behaviour. A man’s infidelity is shrugged off as “A man will be a man” (whatever, that may mean!). A woman’s infidelity makes her a “Slut”.

I pause to ponder as to why people want to write. There are many reasons, but one undeniably, is to express one’s feelings, with a desire to be understood and appreciated; to forge a connection with others in order to escape from a sense of isolation. It is a widely accepted fact that putting ones suppressed feelings down on paper, has great therapeutic value in eliminating trauma, as it enforces one to face the truth and finally come to terms with it.

Both the writer and the reader benefit by this kind of exposition. We should be grateful to Nanda Pethiyagoda for providing a new platform for those (not necessarily only women) who are trapped and inhibited by convention and societal taboos, to come out and freely open up and tell their stories to the public. This will not only help towards the healing process of the writer; it will also educate readers and force them to confront reality.

I do hope other writers, editors, social workers, will follow in Nanda Pethiyagoda’s foot-steps, to make our society more responsible and caring. With the publication of Love and Women she has shown us the way.

Published by Sailfish/Perera Hussein Publishing House, the book costs Rs 1,750/- and is available in most bookshops.