Features
Order in the court
An important judicial personage was to be the Chief Guest at a prize giving of a leading school in Galle. And he prepared a six-page speech and getting his stenographer to make several copies of it, there was no photocopying at the time, he distributed them to the pressmen present saying, “You reporter fellows always distort, misreport or under-report speeches made by important people on important occasions like this. So I want to make sure that a complete report of my speech is published in your various newspapers.”
These tactless and ill-advised remarks got the goat of the local correspondent who decided to cut the Chief Guest down to size. Two or three days later the proceedings of the prize giving were reported in the country’s newspapers. The speeches of the manager of the school, the principal and even the head prefect’s vote of thanks were reported in detail and the report ended with the words; “The Chief Guest Mr. so and so also spoke.”
A.E. Buultjens was once the District Judge of Galle. One day a woman appeared before him charged with obstructing a court officer in the performance of duty. Apparently the officer had gone to evict her from a hut she had built on crown land. When her name was called, the woman walked into the dock accompanied by her two teenaged daughters. They were both blind. “Hamuduruwane,” said the women, “It is true that I obstructed the niladarithuma, but what else could I do? If we are thrown out of our house, my poor blind daughters and I will have no place to live.” Judge Buultjens fined the woman two hundred rupees for the offence. Then putting his hand into his pocket, he fished out two hundred rupee notes, and giving the money to his stenographer, asked him to pay the woman’s fine.
A certain lawyer was noted for the vigour of his language and the brusqueness of manner. One day he was arguing an appeal and in so doing provoked the judge to lose his temper.
Then addressing the lawyer the judge said “I can teach you law but I cannot teach you manners.” “Quite so My Lord” shot back the lawyer with heavy sarcasm, “Quite so!”
The judge’s face turned red while those at the Bar suppressed their sniggers with great difficulty.
One day a psychiatrist while giving evidence before a pompous self-opinionated judge said, “Thinking generates electricity.”
“Then there will be lot of electricity around the Bench,” said the judge.
“Yes,” said the cross-examining counsel, “but of a very low voltage.”
During a murder trial a small boy had finished giving evidence. He was followed by his strikingly good-looking mother. The defence counsel asked her, “Are you the mother of the boy who gave evidence just now?” She answered that it was so. Then his next question was “Who is his father?” At this the judge lost his cool and asked the counsel whether all that was relevant to this murder trial as it is a waste of time. The counsel then replied, “I will not go ahead with that question as it seems to embarrass your Lordship.”
One day a lawyer for a defendant, who had the dice very much loaded against him, was nevertheless determined to do his best. As the judge kept interrupting him, the lawyer said that the Chief Justice Sir Anton Bertram’s chamber had a framed motto hung above his table.
The motto was ‘AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM’: Let both sides be heard. Thereafter there were no more interruptions from the Bench.
There was a news item, that a youthful defendant standing trial before a Court in Indonesia, on subversion charges, has objected to be tried by a female judge saying the sight of her sexcities him!
There was this lawyer who believed in introducing a little drama into any case he appeared in.
One day he appeared for a man accused of stabbing another to death. The Judicial Medical Officer had given evidence about the injuries sustained by the deceased, implying that he was standing when he was stabbed. When the lawyer for the defence, this man of drama, stood up to cross-examine the JMO, he threw himself on the floor, face upwards, and asked the JMO whether the deceased could not have been in that position when he was stabbed.
Naturally, the Judge was quite astonished at this rather undiginified exhibition, and rebuked the lawyer mildly. “Mr. Attorney” he said, with a twinkle in his eye, “thank Heavens you did not appear in the previous case. It was a rape case!”
Speaking of rape cases, in one such case, after the jury had returned having reached their verdict, the Foreman of the jury said, “We find the accused guilty, but we recommend mercy as he had committed the act on the spur of the moment.” “Oh?” said the judge coldly. “Will you please tell me on what other spur you expect the act to be done?”
Many years ago, there was this King’s Counsel, who came from a very humble stock but with a deplorable tendency to treat the simple folk with scant courtesy. Once appearing in a murder case, he bullied and browbeated an aged woman from the village where he was born and spent his childhood, but whom pretended not to recognise. “Now tell me witness,” he thundered, “how far were you from the scene of the alleged crime?” “Hamuduruwane, the distance was about the same distance from Babun Signo’s boutique in our village, yours and mine, to the shanty, where your mother used to make hoppers for sale!”
A person who was called upon to serve on the jury begged to be excused. “My Lord,” he told the judge, “My wife is about to conceive!” Suppressing a smile the judge said, “No no what you mean is that your wife is about to deliver! Anyway in either case, I agree that your presence is essential!”
This story is about a rather exuberant Judge, whose sense of justice outran his discretion. A shipping company was being sued for damages by a consignee whose bags of rice had fallen into the water in the process of being unloaded into a barge, when the ship’s tackle had given way. The company that owned the barge disclaimed responsibility on the grounds that liability did not arise until the bags were actually placed in their barge. The shipping company that owned the ship disclaimed liability saying that their responsibility was over the moment the goods left the ship’s tackle. The Judge said angrily: “Both of you are trying to avoid payment of damages to this unfortunate man. He has lost twenty-eight bags of rice. Now, tell me, who is responsible?” “Neither of us,” chorused the two defending counsels. “It was an Act of God.” “Hell of a god,” exclaimed the Judge.
“An IRC who had been convicted several times by the same Judge in the same Court, was produced once more before the Judge. “It is time we checked your career of crime,” the Judge told the old offender severely. “How many times have you been convicted of this same offence before?” “Eight times, your honour,” was the man’s unruffled reply.” “Eight times?” Exclaimed the Judge. “Then this time I shall give you the maximum sentence laid down by the law.” “Maximum?” echoed the prisoner in dismay. “Aw, c’mon, your honour, don’t regular customers get a bit of a discount?”
A witness was giving evidence and it was evident that the fellow was lying. “Isn’t most of what you are saying completely untrue?” snapped the Judge. “M’lord,” said the man, drawing himself up haughtily. “I would have the court know that I have always been wedded to the truth!” “Oh?” said the Judge sarcastically. “And since when have you been a widower?”
As a judge was about to pass sentence on an accused found guilty of burglary, the man cried passionately, “May God strike me dead, your Honour, if I did it!” The Judge waited for a few moments, gazing heavenwards, and then said dryly, “Since Providence has not seen fit to interpose in your case, it is my duty to pronounce the lighter sentence prescribed by law. Six months!”
Many years ago an Englishman was the Panadura Magistrate. He wasn’t exactly bulging with brains, and many a person wondered how he ever became a magistrate. The young Secretary to the Court was getting married and naturally he invited the magistrate to be his attesting witness. On the day of the wedding, the English Magistrate, accompanied by his Interpreter Mudliyar, went to the Bride’s house in his chauffeur-driven car. As they approached the bride’s house, where the wedding was being held, the Magistrate noticed several coloured flags strung across the road. “Good God!” exclaimed the Magistrate, his face turning pale. “Quick turn back! Get away from here as fast as you can!”
The driver did as he was ordered, and as they sped away, the Interpreter Mudliyar turned to the Magistrate in consternation and asked. “What’s wrong sir? Why are we turning back?”
“Did you see that string of coloured flags?” asked the Magistrate mopping his brow. “I served a spell in the Royal Navy before I came to Ceylon, and those flags, strung in that particular order, is a signal that there is plague on board. Mudliyar, somebody in that house is having the plague.
When a 219 Notice is served on a person, he or she has to appear in Court and declare his assets so that they could be seized to satisfy a claim ordered by Court. One day, in the Galle Magistrate’s Court, one such examination, conducted by the counsel for the claimant, went like this:
Counsel: “Your father died recently?”
Respondent: “No.”
Counsel: “Then was it your mother?”
Respondent: “No it was my mother-in-law.”
“Didn’t she gift some thing to you prior to her death?”
“Yes, her daughter.”
“Have you a Savings Bank account?”
“Yes.”
“And how much have you in deposit?”
“Eleven rupees and fourteen cents.”
“The furniture in the house you are occupying is yours?”
“No, I have no furniture”.
“What? Then where do you sleep?”
“On two Sunlight Soap boxes.”
At this stage the notice was discharged and the Court, amidst loud laughter, advised the attorney to seize the assets that had been declared to satisfy his client’s claim!
At the time the age of majority was twenty-one years, an accused was charged with posing as a major while he was actually a minor. His lawyer produced the birth certificate to prove that he was indeed a major a the time of its alleged offence. Holding up the birth certificate the Magistrate told the defence lawyer that, according to it, the accused’s age was twenty years and four months at the time of the offence. “Aha, your honour”, said the defence lawyer blandly, “you are forgetting to take into account the nine months my client spent in his mother’s womb!”
During a murder case the Prosecution led evidence to prove that the dead man was manually strangled. This was contested by the Defence and a doctor was called to give evidence in their support. “Now tell us, doctor,” said the Crown Counsel who was prosecuting, “what are your qualifications?” “I am an MBBS and I have been a Judicial Medical Officer for twelve years. Furthermore I have had six months training in Forensic Medicine under the renowned Dr. Burrows. I have also won a gold medal.”
“For what did you get the gold medal, doctor?”
“Hygiene.”
“Have you got a certificate from Dr. Burrows?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Have you really been a JMO for twelve years?”
“Well actually, I was a Prison Doctor for twelve years and acted on and off for the JMO when he was on leave.”
“Do you know Dr. X. Y. Z. Fernando, an acknowledged expert in Forensic medicine?”
“Yes.”
“How do your qualifications compare with his?”
“I have far greater knowledge and a better brain!”
“In other words, doctor, the only certificates you have are certificates you give yourself?”
No answer. (Needless to say, the defence case collapsed).
(To be continued)