Features

Dating On-line and Off

Published

4 years ago

2021/10/10

by Vijaya Chandrasoma

I apologize for writing about a subject of which I have little personal experience. I thought it may be interesting to reflect on how the concept of “Boy meets Girl” has evolved through our formative years, in my case since the 1950s, to the present day.

In Ceylon, we all attended single-gender schools. This is still largely true of Sri Lanka today, 70 years on. I read a recent opinion by the General Secretary of the Sri Lanka Teachers Union, Joseph Stalin, no relation, I assume, of the Russian dictator, extracts of which are reproduced below:

“Gender-segregated schools, in other words, single-sex schools, as well as the unavailability of sex education, not only significantly hamper any opportunity school children have in educational institutions to establish a constructive (I would add the word ‘healthy’) relationship with children of the opposite gender, it also allows for the perpetuation of traditional gender stereotypes, which in the long-run, is likely to beget more gender inequality related social issues.”

Stalin goes on to say that gender-segregated schools and higher educational institutions are outdated concepts, which should be replaced. I couldn’t agree more.

While developed nations generally have co-educational institutions from pre-school age, it may be relevant to point out that the most prestigious universities in the world admitted women only from the mid- 20th century.

The hitherto exclusively male colleges of Oxford started admitting women after the late 1960s, with Magdalen being the last in 1988; Yale admitted its first female students in 1969. Many of these universities had constituent colleges for women, a few examples being Girton at Cambridge, St. Anne’s at Oxford and Radcliffe at Harvard. Interestingly, female students of these associated colleges were not awarded university degrees till the 1940s.

In fact, in my brief time at Oxford, the presence of a woman in a male student’s room after 10.00 pm was grounds for expulsion. A rule more honoured in the breach unless the breach became a little too frequent. Predictably, each college had a means of escape. The escape hatch at Christ Church was a basement room, if memory serves, at Tom quad, from which one could climb out with your partner onto the street, often into the burly arms of the bowler-hatted Oxford Bulldogs, the private university constabulary. The Bullers, as they were affectionately named, were well aware of the locations of these escape routes. They were, in the main, most tolerant, and let you off with a twinkle in their eyes and a slap on the wrist. The occupant of that particular room at Christ Church was, predictably, a very popular, if sleep-deprived young man.

I remember another tradition about dating at Oxford, regrettably not through personal experience. Not too often, some of these evenings had a happy ending of persuading the date to be “entertained” in one’s rooms in college. These college rooms had two doors, with the outer oaken door usually kept open. However, if one was so entertaining, the outer door was also closed, serving as a heads-up to your roommate or friends that you were not to be disturbed. This practice used to be called “sporting the oak”, the American campus equivalent of hanging a tie on your door. And evoked envious phrases like “lucky bugger” from passers-by.

Single-sex schools in Sri Lanka, and the lack of sex education, caused problems for teenagers. Many of us got rid of our excess energy and frustrations by participating in strenuous sports. We were kept completely in the dark about all matters sexual. In truth, through my formative years, I was so naïve and innocent that I thought that the only function of my little man was urination! It was much later that I realized that a God, with a cruel sense of humour, had created the pleasure and waste-disposable organs of our bodies to be fungible.

I got an accelerated course in sex education when I went to London, barely 17 years of age. Though I learnt of the theory behind this complicated exercise, I had no opportunity for consensual practice, as I was living in a totally Sri Lankan environment, replete with parents, siblings and even a maid from Ceylon, Kusuma, in our rented house in Highgate, North London.

After the departure of my mother from London, I ganged up with other Sri Lankans in similar circumstances, living in neighbouring digs, often in the same building. Meeting members of the opposite sex continued to be a challenge for us all. Some of us did find slim pickings at the pre-university educational institutions we attended. Also, there were affordable dance halls, which provided for social interaction between men and women. These dance halls had become increasingly popular after World War II, through a combination of enhanced prosperity and greater leisure time for the lower orders. New musical styles, like ragtime and jazz, were added to the perennial fox trot.

The ability to participate in dancing, a skill I never learnt in Colombo, was a sine qua non at these establishments. So I thought I would become a Sri Lankan Fred Astaire and seek out my Ginger Rogers by enrolling in the most prestigious Arthur Murray School of Dancing in Oxford Street. A few lessons later, my female instructor gave up on me, her final, unforgettable words being, “I thought you people were light on your feet”. She pointed out that I had two left feet and no sense of rhythm. The effort of teaching me to dance would have been way above her pay grade.

I later discovered that one of my left feet righted itself after alcohol, which gave me the courage to get on the dance floor after a few drinks to participate in, as the song goes, “the vertical expression of a horizontal desire”. Even then, formal dance steps remained a mystery, so I concentrated on slow music which enabled me to sway in one spot.

Dating after my return to Colombo was also not easy. I had missed that period of a teenager’s life, usually between the ages of 16 and 20, when they met members of the opposite sex at parties and dances, and formed clandestine relationships which often led to marriage.

I was fortunate to be introduced to a beautiful young lady soon after my return, who was innocently optimistic enough to stand by me in spite of my many addictions and failings. Marrying her a few years later was one of the smartest things I have ever done, although I was stupid enough to have ruined even that relationship.

She finally came to her senses and kicked me out, 30 years and three beautiful children later. She had, too late, realized the truth of that old English proverb, “be not deceived by the first appearance of things, for show is not substance”.

In America, before the advent of the Internet, it was not difficult for single people to find partners for any kind of relationship, permanent, transitory or fleeting. The schools were co-ed and there were plenty of opportunities at the workplace, sporting activities and gyms. The ubiquitous sports and singles bars were also viable options, especially because people increased in their physical attractions with each successive drink. By closing time, even the plainest had paired up. Many to wake up to an unpleasant surprise in the sobriety of the next morning.

With the arrival of the Internet, on-line dating became the most popular method in the US of meeting partners. Unlike in Sri Lanka, where the “Personals” aim only at marriage, these dating sites offer a data base of other people looking for company of the sex of their preference for casual relationships which may lead to a more permanent commitment. Or not. No strings attached, no commitment necessary or assured.

Latest figures show that more than 35% percent of all marriages in the US is the result of on-line dating. Statistically, these Internet marriages also appear to have better chances of success than those achieved through traditional dating.

About three years after my divorce, I started using a dating service infrequently. Not with any desire of an emotional/physical relationship, but to enjoy female company at an occasional movie or dinner, with no commitment. The need for such companionship was not all that important in Los Angeles, as there were many friends within the Sri Lankan community I could visit of a lonely evening.

The need for friendship and company became much more pronounced when I moved to Phoenix, where I knew no one outside the workplace, and was at times desperately lonely. So I joined a dating service and met a bunch of extremely weird women, many of whose profile photographs, similar to those in today’s Facebook, were often taken decades ago and bore little resemblance to their current likeness. It would take a book to narrate the many and often strange adventures I had with many of these ladies, but I did greatly enjoy the first dates of these encounters.

The conversation on these first dates invariably revolved around the circumstances behind the failure of each other’s marriage/marriages. I excelled myself on these evenings, and as we lived in different worlds, had no mutual friends or acquaintances. I could make up all kinds of lies, any story that tickled my imagination, for the fictional failure of my marriage, in the full confidence these lies would never reach the ears of anyone in the Sri Lankan community.

My favourite story was that my marriage had ended because of my ex-wife’s continuing drinking problem, and how things had become intolerable when she started playing the horses. I embellished the story by describing my noble efforts to pull her out of her addictions, to no avail. The gambling and drinking were sometimes replaced with drugs and infidelity, depending on my perverse mood. The sympathy I received at these first dates was most gratifying. Even if I do say so myself, I deserved an Oscar for these far-fetched performances of role reversal.

I am hopeful that many who know my ex-wife, even my ex-wife herself, would find this obvious canard deliciously infuriating. I am counting on their tolerance and their sense of humour. I have no doubt that her God who created her as the softest, purest woman I have ever known will, in His omniscience, understand the irony, and spare me any cruel though deserved punishment.

David Bowie famously said, “Ageing is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been”. Based on this nugget of wisdom, I have finally aged well enough to become the man my ex-wife thought she married. 50 years too late.

All News Advertisement

Features

Crucial test for religious and ethnic harmony in Bangladesh

Published

19 hours ago

2026/02/12

Sahan Weerasooriya

A political protest that led to governmental change in Bangladesh mid last year. (photograph: imago)

Will the Bangladesh parliamentary election bring into being a government that will ensure ethnic and religious harmony in the country? This is the poser on the lips of peace-loving sections in Bangladesh and a principal concern of those outside who mean the country well.

The apprehensions are mainly on the part of religious and ethnic minorities. The parliamentary poll of February 12th is expected to bring into existence a government headed by the Bangladesh Nationalist Party (BNP) and the Islamist oriented Jamaat-e-Islami party and this is where the rub is. If these parties win, will it be a case of Bangladesh sliding in the direction of a theocracy or a state where majoritarian chauvinism thrives?

Chief of the Jamaat, Shafiqur Rahman, who was interviewed by sections of the international media recently said that there is no need for minority groups in Bangladesh to have the above fears. He assured, essentially, that the state that will come into being will be equable and inclusive. May it be so, is likely to be the wish of those who cherish a tension-free Bangladesh.

The party that could have posed a challenge to the above parties, the Awami League Party of former Prime Minister Hasina Wased, is out of the running on account of a suspension that was imposed on it by the authorities and the mentioned majoritarian-oriented parties are expected to have it easy at the polls.

A positive that has emerged against the backdrop of the poll is that most ordinary people in Bangladesh, be they Muslim or Hindu, are for communal and religious harmony and it is hoped that this sentiment will strongly prevail, going ahead. Interestingly, most of them were of the view, when interviewed, that it was the politicians who sowed the seeds of discord in the country and this viewpoint is widely shared by publics all over the region in respect of the politicians of their countries.

Some sections of the Jamaat party were of the view that matters with regard to the orientation of governance are best left to the incoming parliament to decide on but such opinions will be cold comfort for minority groups. If the parliamentary majority comes to consist of hard line Islamists, for instance, there is nothing to prevent the country from going in for theocratic governance. Consequently, minority group fears over their safety and protection cannot be prevented from spreading.

Therefore, we come back to the question of just and fair governance and whether Bangladesh’s future rulers could ensure these essential conditions of democratic rule. The latter, it is hoped, will be sufficiently perceptive to ascertain that a Bangladesh rife with religious and ethnic tensions, and therefore unstable, would not be in the interests of Bangladesh and those of the region’s countries.

Unfortunately, politicians region-wide fall for the lure of ethnic, religious and linguistic chauvinism. This happens even in the case of politicians who claim to be democratic in orientation. This fate even befell Bangladesh’s Awami League Party, which claims to be democratic and socialist in general outlook.

We have it on the authority of Taslima Nasrin in her ground-breaking novel, ‘Lajja’, that the Awami Party was not of any substantial help to Bangladesh’s Hindus, for example, when violence was unleashed on them by sections of the majority community. In fact some elements in the Awami Party were found to be siding with the Hindus’ murderous persecutors. Such are the temptations of hard line majoritarianism.

In Sri Lanka’s past numerous have been the occasions when even self-professed Leftists and their parties have conveniently fallen in line with Southern nationalist groups with self-interest in mind. The present NPP government in Sri Lanka has been waxing lyrical about fostering national reconciliation and harmony but it is yet to prove its worthiness on this score in practice. The NPP government remains untested material.

As a first step towards national reconciliation it is hoped that Sri Lanka’s present rulers would learn the Tamil language and address the people of the North and East of the country in Tamil and not Sinhala, which most Tamil-speaking people do not understand. We earnestly await official language reforms which afford to Tamil the dignity it deserves.

An acid test awaits Bangladesh as well on the nation-building front. Not only must all forms of chauvinism be shunned by the incoming rulers but a secular, truly democratic Bangladesh awaits being licked into shape. All identity barriers among people need to be abolished and it is this process that is referred to as nation-building.

On the foreign policy frontier, a task of foremost importance for Bangladesh is the need to build bridges of amity with India. If pragmatism is to rule the roost in foreign policy formulation, Bangladesh would place priority to the overcoming of this challenge. The repatriation to Bangladesh of ex-Prime Minister Hasina could emerge as a steep hurdle to bilateral accord but sagacious diplomacy must be used by Bangladesh to get over the problem.

A reply to N.A. de S. Amaratunga

A response has been penned by N.A. de S. Amaratunga (please see p5 of ‘The Island’ of February 6th) to a previous column by me on ‘ India shaping-up as a Swing State’, published in this newspaper on January 29th , but I remain firmly convinced that India remains a foremost democracy and a Swing State in the making.

If the countries of South Asia are to effectively manage ‘murderous terrorism’, particularly of the separatist kind, then they would do well to adopt to the best of their ability a system of government that provides for power decentralization from the centre to the provinces or periphery, as the case may be. This system has stood India in good stead and ought to prove effective in all other states that have fears of disintegration.

Moreover, power decentralization ensures that all communities within a country enjoy some self-governing rights within an overall unitary governance framework. Such power-sharing is a hallmark of democratic governance.

Features

Celebrating Valentine’s Day …

Published

19 hours ago

2026/02/12

Sahan Weerasooriya

Valentine’s Day is all about celebrating love, romance, and affection, and this is how some of our well-known personalities plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day – 14th February:

Merlina Fernando (Singer)

Yes, it’s a special day for lovers all over the world and it’s even more special to me because 14th February is the birthday of my husband Suresh, who’s the lead guitarist of my band Mission.

We have planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day and his Birthday together and it will be a wonderful night as always.

We will be having our fans and close friends, on that night, with their loved ones at Highso – City Max hotel Dubai, from 9.00 pm onwards.

Lorensz Francke (Elvis Tribute Artiste)

On Valentine’s Day I will be performing a live concert at a Wealthy Senior Home for Men and Women, and their families will be attending, as well.

I will be performing live with romantic, iconic love songs and my song list would include ‘Can’t Help falling in Love’, ‘Love Me Tender’, ‘Burning Love’, ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight’, ‘The Wonder of You’ and ‘’It’s Now or Never’ to name a few.

To make Valentine’s Day extra special I will give the Home folks red satin scarfs.

Emma Shanaya (Singer)

I plan on spending the day of love with my girls, especially my best friend. I don’t have a romantic Valentine this year but I am thrilled to spend it with the girl that loves me through and through. I’ll be in Colombo and look forward to go to a cute cafe and spend some quality time with my childhood best friend Zulha.

JAYASRI

Emma-and-Maneeka

This Valentine’s Day the band JAYASRI we will be really busy; in the morning we will be landing in Sri Lanka, after our Oman Tour; then in the afternoon we are invited as Chief Guests at our Maris Stella College Sports Meet, Negombo, and late night we will be with LineOne band live in Karandeniya Open Air Down South. Everywhere we will be sharing LOVE with the mass crowds.

Kay Jay (Singer)

I will stay at home and cook a lovely meal for lunch, watch some movies, together with Sanjaya, and, maybe we go out for dinner and have a lovely time. Come to think of it, every day is Valentine’s Day for me with Sanjaya Alles.

Maneka Liyanage (Beauty Tips)

On this special day, I celebrate love by spending meaningful time with the people I cherish. I prepare food with love and share meals together, because food made with love brings hearts closer. I enjoy my leisure time with them — talking, laughing, sharing stories, understanding each other, and creating beautiful memories. My wish for this Valentine’s Day is a world without fighting — a world where we love one another like our own beloved, where we do not hurt others, even through a single word or action. Let us choose kindness, patience, and understanding in everything we do.

Janaka Palapathwala (Singer)

Janaka

Valentine’s Day should not be the only day we speak about love.

From the moment we are born into this world, we seek love, first through the very drop of our mother’s milk, then through the boundless care of our Mother and Father, and the embrace of family.

Love is everywhere. All living beings, even plants, respond in affection when they are loved.

As we grow, we learn to love, and to be loved. One day, that love inspires us to build a new family of our own.

Love has no beginning and no end. It flows through every stage of life, timeless, endless, and eternal.

Natasha Rathnayake (Singer)

We don’t have any special plans for Valentine’s Day. When you’ve been in love with the same person for over 25 years, you realise that love isn’t a performance reserved for one calendar date. My husband and I have never been big on public displays, or grand gestures, on 14th February. Our love is expressed quietly and consistently, in ordinary, uncelebrated moments.

With time, you learn that love isn’t about proving anything to the world or buying into a commercialised idea of romance—flowers that wilt, sweets that spike blood sugar, and gifts that impress briefly but add little real value. In today’s society, marketing often pushes the idea that love is proven by how much money you spend, and that buying things is treated as a sign of commitment.

Real love doesn’t need reminders or price tags. It lives in showing up every day, choosing each other on unromantic days, and nurturing the relationship intentionally and without an audience.

This isn’t a judgment on those who enjoy celebrating Valentine’s Day. It’s simply a personal choice.

Melloney Dassanayake (Miss Universe Sri Lanka 2024)

I truly believe it’s beautiful to have a day specially dedicated to love. But, for me, Valentine’s Day goes far beyond romantic love alone. It celebrates every form of love we hold close to our hearts: the love for family, friends, and that one special person who makes life brighter. While 14th February gives us a moment to pause and celebrate, I always remind myself that love should never be limited to just one day. Every single day should feel like Valentine’s Day – constant reminder to the people we love that they are never alone, that they are valued, and that they matter.

I’m incredibly blessed because, for me, every day feels like Valentine’s Day. My special person makes sure of that through the smallest gestures, the quiet moments, and the simple reminders that love lives in the details. He shows me that it’s the little things that count, and that love doesn’t need grand stages to feel extraordinary. This Valentine’s Day, perfection would be something intimate and meaningful: a cozy picnic in our home garden, surrounded by nature, laughter, and warmth, followed by an abstract drawing session where we let our creativity flow freely. To me, that’s what love is – simple, soulful, expressive, and deeply personal. When love is real, every ordinary moment becomes magical.

Noshin De Silva (Actress)

Valentine’s Day is one of my favourite holidays! I love the décor, the hearts everywhere, the pinks and reds, heart-shaped chocolates, and roses all around. But honestly, I believe every day can be Valentine’s Day.

It doesn’t have to be just about romantic love. It’s a chance to celebrate love in all its forms with friends, family, or even by taking a little time for yourself.

Whether you’re spending the day with someone special or enjoying your own company, it’s a reminder to appreciate meaningful connections, show kindness, and lead with love every day.

And yes, I’m fully on theme this year with heart nail art and heart mehendi design!

Wishing everyone a very happy Valentine’s Day, but, remember, love yourself first, and don’t forget to treat yourself.

Sending my love to all of you.

Features

Banana and Aloe Vera

Published

19 hours ago

2026/02/12

Sahan Weerasooriya

To create a powerful, natural, and hydrating beauty mask that soothes inflammation, fights acne, and boosts skin radiance, mix a mashed banana with fresh aloe vera gel.

This nutrient-rich blend acts as an antioxidant-packed anti-ageing treatment that also doubles as a nourishing, shiny hair mask.

* Face Masks for Glowing Skin:

Mix 01 ripe banana with 01 tablespoon of fresh aloe vera gel and apply this mixture to the face. Massage for a few minutes, leave for 15-20 minutes, and then rinse off for a glowing complexion.

* Acne and Soothing Mask:

Mix 01 tablespoon of fresh aloe vera gel with 1/2 a mashed banana and 01 teaspoon of honey. Apply this mixture to clean skin to calm inflammation, reduce redness, and hydrate dry, sensitive skin. Leave for 15-20 minutes, and rinse with warm water.

* Hair Treatment for Shine:

Mix 01 fresh ripe banana with 03 tablespoons of fresh aloe vera gel and 01 teaspoon of honey. Apply from scalp to ends, massage for 10-15 minutes and then let it dry for maximum absorption. Rinse thoroughly with cool water for soft, shiny, and frizz-free hair.