Benedict Arnold retains the Title of G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Traitors)

McCarthy Failing in his Ambition to be Speaker

by Vijaya Chandrasoma

Former President Donald Trump was in Mar a Lago, holding a press conference after his nominee, Kevin McCarthy failed to secure the 218 votes needed to be elected Speaker, even though the Republican Party holds a 222/213 majority in the House. 21 members of the radical right “Freedom Caucus” voted against McCarthy. After six ballots, McCarthy was behind Democrat Congressman Hakeem Jeffries 213 to 202. No majority party had failed to be elected to the post of Speaker on the first ballot since 1923.

The House has been adjourned till noon on Thursday, January 5, when the voting will resume. It is doubtful that McCarthy will be able to sway the votes of at least five of these 21 “rebel” Republicans. If he does, he will end up being a very weak Speaker because of the concessions he will have to grant to the radical right to secure their votes. Concessions moderate Republicans rejected during the midterms.

A compromise candidate, perhaps Congressman Steve Scalise, would probably be a Speaker acceptable to the Party.One of Trump’s most loyal supporters, McCarthy, who was endorsed by him for the post of Speaker, will likely be defeated. By his own Party.

This was seen as yet another loss for Trump, adding to the dismal performance of candidates he had endorsed at the midterms. True to form, he denied all responsibility for these failures. He blames the midterm losses and the inability of the majority party in the House to immediately elect a Speaker on a combination of the haplessness of the Republicans and the continuation of the Democratic witch hunt against him.

He also made furious reference to the recent Report of the January 6 Committee, which stated that he was solely responsible for the insurrection. He claimed that the Committee did not provide “one shred of evidence” that he was involved. He swore he was playing golf at Mar a Lago on that day. All evidence to the contrary has been doctored by the Democrats.

Changing the subject, a reporter told him: It looks as if some other titles are being stripped away from you.

“What do you mean?”

There is a Republican gentleman named George Santos elected to Congress in the midterms who is alleged to have surpassed your resume in the number of falsehoods about his personal life. When questioned about these embellishments to his resume, he said everyone does it, and said he was just following the example of his favourite President and hero. That would be you.

“Impossible. My bio was a piece of art. I stand by everything I have said. I stand by every single detail, that doesn’t mean it’s true, it only means that I believe in it”.

Congressman Santos is a New Yorker like yourself. He has lied about everything connected to his private and business lives. He says he is Jewish and his grandparents survived the holocaust. It was pointed out that he was in fact of Catholic stock, only his wife’s parents were Jewish, and they had survived the holocaust by living in Brazil at the time.

He said what he really meant was that he was Jew-ish, you know, as good as being a Jew. Just like when you claimed you were a billionaire, what you really meant was that you were billionaire-ish, a billionaire with six bankruptcies and no money.

Scoffed Donald, “If you claim to be Jewish, you must immediately get circumcised. You must never lie if the lie can be physically disproved. I also thought of claiming to be of German Jewish heritage, but was scared of circumcision, as that may have made my penis look even smaller”.

When told that Santos had lied about his education, that he had claimed to have graduated from Baruch University, Trump said, “Where the hell is this Baruch University? That was this idiot’s next mistake. When you lie, you must lie big. I maintained that I graduated at the top of my class at Wharton College, University of Pennsylvania, the finest business school in the country. And I keep on saying this. Just because one of the professors at Penn said that I was as dumb as a rock, the dumbest student he has ever taught, does not make it right. It’s his word against mine, and I always take my word”.

Santos also lied that he had worked at top financial institutions like Citibank and Goldman Sachs.

“That’s another rookie mistake. You never say you work for other companies. You say you own them. And you don’t deny anything you say, however big the lie is. You repeat the lie often enough, these idiots will believe you”.

The Republican Party intends to seat Santos in Congress in spite of these fraudulent, perhaps criminal statements in his resume . Even after Trump, there is no depth that Republicans will continue to plummet.

Changing the subject, Sir, I am told that you are about to receive a new World Title, because you have outperformed the current holders of this Title.

“Great. At last people are beginning to appreciate my God-given talents. What is this Title you are talking about? My sexual prowess, maybe? You know I dated Diana, right?”

They have decided to strip the Rosenbergs of their World Title for Espionage posthumously and grant it to you.

“Do you know what the Rosenbergs did to win the Title?”

They were accused of, and electrocuted for overseeing a spy network that stole American atomic secrets and handing them over to the Soviet Union after WWII.

“That’s all? This is no contest. Putin still wears the gold bracelet I gave him with the American nuclear codes etched on it. I gave it to him to show my gratitude for the refreshing golden showers he arranged for me during my trips to Moscow. Putin always keeps his word. I showed the world I trust him more than our 17 intelligence agencies, in Helsinki. He is my hero, my brother.

“And I let him, and all my other good friends like MBS of Saudi Arabia have a few of the Top-Secret documents I took with me when I left the White House. After all, these documents were mine, to dispense with as I please. There are plenty more of those documents available to my “friends”, if the price is right.

“That Espionage Title is obviously mine, by a country mile. Anything else?”

Just a couple of small matters, Sir. The descendants of Benedict Arnold have appealed the decision to strip his Title as the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Traitors) and present it to you. They argue that his defection to the British during the Revolutionary War, of negotiating a traitorous pact with the British Forces for the sale of West Point to the enemy, was a total betrayal of the Americans, an act of treason impossible to better. In fact. “Benedict Arnold” is the Oxford University dictionary’s definition of a traitor.

“Well, that’s tough one”, said Donald. “I don’t think I have committed that type of treason. I haven’t betrayed my country to any foreigners, although I would have considered any reasonable offer. Putin and I had nearly agreed on a Bilateral Nuclear Arms Limitation Pact, where he continues with the development of Russia’s nuclear arsenal, while I suspend our nuclear activity until Russia catches up. Fair’s fair. All Superpowers must be equally armed.

This would have been a huge win for the USA. Putin will let us have access to all their nuclear and espionage secrets, just as I have given them ours.

“But maybe we should let Benedict retain his title. For now”.

There are rumours about awarding Medical awards to you for your timely warnings about windmills causing cancer, and ingesting Lysol to cure Covid, but no final decision has been made. Also in meteorological circles, when you showed the world how to divert the course of a hurricane with a Sharpie. That was pure genius.

“Oh, I did that to fulfil my oath to protect my fellow citizens, I do not expect credit for doing my job, even brilliantly. My humility is well-known all over the world”.

Finally, Sir, there have been discussions about the similarity of your aspirations with those of Hitler. He also dreamt of an ethnically pure race, with citizens endowed with white skin, blue eyes and blond hair. Descendants of white Northern Europeans. He was of mixed mind about Southern Europeans. Dagos like Italians and Spaniards, they barely made the cut, in his eyes.

“Who would dispute that? I have always said that I would like to encourage immigrants from countries like Norway, instead of people from shithole countries. In fact, I made an offer to exchange Puerto Rico for Greenland, but Denmark was not interested. The whole world is trying to be even a little white, the whiter the better. Of course, a tinge of orange is the real deal. To prove my point, skin whitening cream is the highest selling cosmetic east of Suez.

“Hitler’s Brownshirts were very fine people. While their main victims were the hateful Jews, the untermenschen (sub humans) who had betrayed Germany during WWI, they had also begun the offensive against Gypsies and other low breeds, in Europe and beyond.

Just like my main thrust will be against the African Americans who were “invited” to work towards making our beloved America the economic powerhouse of the world. They have completed their purpose. They have fulfilled their role in God’s plan to make America the most blessed nation in the world. They are no longer of any use and are now an ugly blot on our landscape and must be eliminated. Who are we to question God’s plan?

“I will address the other Hispanics and brown-skinned minorities in due time. Now that the technological era has dawned, the value of cheap labour is diminishing by the day. But being a compassionate man, the least racist person you have ever known, I will give them the option of going back to from where they came. If they refuse, they will also be a part of the ‘Final Solution’. As to immigration, I have no intention of making my beloved America to be a refugee camp for a world of losers”.

“Your favourite president will be back in the White House soon, to Make America Great Again, when all these Democratic witch hunts have been exposed”.

Trump then threw the bottle of Ketchup at the wall and strode angrily away, the weasel in his hair swinging violently.